


Hypnotised

by hazyamethyst



Category: Arctic Monkeys, Indie Music RPF, Last Shadow Puppets, Milex - Fandom
Genre: M/M, i take poetic licenses tho, i've made some research into hypnosis, imagine they have accents, quite sarcastic tho, sexy miles, there's plot!, troubled alex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-08
Updated: 2015-05-02
Packaged: 2018-03-11 00:51:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 36,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3309566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hazyamethyst/pseuds/hazyamethyst
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alex suffers from social anxiety and quite usually experiences panic attacks. Miles, a famous hypnotist, is convinced he can help Alex as long as he cooperates...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“I’m not quite sure ‘bout this Matt” I gulped as the car came to a stop.

“I don’t care. We’ve all come to an agreement. Off you go. Pick ye up in an hour, ‘right mate?”

I didn’t feel like replying, not when I had just been basically thrown out of the car like I was some kind of inert chunk of mass that needed to be constantly pushed and kicked around so as to function. Nobody, not even my closest friends and relatives, seemed to ever take into account my damn will. What _I_ fucking _want._ They usually just get automatically discarded, my wishes, just because they don’t fit the ‘rockstar’ image I’m supposed to affect.

_Fuck ‘em_

So here I stood before a quite select block of flats in one of the most posh neighborhoods to ever exist in England. I felt uncomfortable, like I didn’t belong here, but hey I’m loaded now so luxuries should appeal to me, right? Well they don’t.

Anyway, wanting to get this over with as soon as possible, I trotted to the entrance and rang 3 _Bº._ A rough voice come out of the little speaker quite sharply.

_“Who is it?”_

_“Alex…Alex Turner”_

_“Tur-…yea, yea come on in.”_

And so, with a loud buzz, the door went unlocked and I let myself in. Waiting for the lift, I could feel my nerves setting in along with an unshakeable sensation of _dread_. Not exactly because of what was going to happen in the next hour, but because of what _may_ happen if this didn’t work. I had seen just everyone: gp doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, reflexologists, acting coaches and they had all _failed_ to help me _._ I was running out of options.

The door was swiftly opened as I was walking down the hall and…well, the sight I was greeted with was certainly not what I had expected. There, in the doorway, stood a bloke that couldn’t be older than thirty, maybe even _younger_ than me- even though he was a bit taller in comparison. He had raven hair cut in a way that made him look like a lost beatle, a pair of eyes that resembled honey and an overall thin frame. With his long arms he gestured for me to come in and guided the way to his private office.

Cozy. There was a particular atmosphere in that room, something about the dim lights and austere yet modern decoration that seemed to somewhat ease my general uptight state.

“Alex, take a sit would ye?” He offered pointing at a large blue sofa as he himself sit on a grey leather armchair opposite.

“Um yea” I replied awkwardly and did as I was told. It was an exquisitely comfortable sofa still I couldn’t lay back and totally relax. I wanted to run away _; I couldn’t_.

“So let me introduce myself first. My name is Miles, Miles Kane. I’ve been reached out by one of your friends… Matthew? _[I nodded_ ]...Right Matt, cool lad…Well, he explained to me that you were suffering, quite occasionally, panic attacks and had been diagnosed some months ago with chronic social anxiety, is that right?”

“Yes” I answered somberly.

“Right, understandably, being the frontman of a band that’s getting bigger by the second, this presents a real problem to you when it comes to performing on stage as well as attending massive social events you’re typically expected to be present in yet you aren’t. A change in attitude would be most beneficial not only for the prosperity of the band, of course, but also for you in terms of your quality of life. Now, as you didn’t personally book this meeting, I assume you might have been obliged to come here _[hell yea]_. I’ve been told too you’ve seen many people before me who failed alleviate your unsettling feelings, many of whom you have had downright bad experiences with and I’m sorry for that _[sure]_. Frauds abound, therefore I get it if you are wary of my methods at first, but I can guarantee you that if you do cooperate, you’ll be able to see results immediately after the sessions. I have arranged with your fellas ye’ll be taking a session a week for a month. That will be the trial period which, if when concluding, you see no results I’ll return your money. But that’s the last thing I want to happen _[of course!]_ , I’m _determined_ to help you _._ The question here is: Do you want to help yourself Alexander?”

Well that was, admittedly, quite a nice presentation speech for a _hypnotist_. Very professional words coming out the mouth of a guy that was wearing blue pants, a black silk shirt underneath a flashy black-and-white striped suit and, to top it all off, green patent leather boots.

_And don’t forget the strong northern accent._

“In all sincerity, I just want the feeling to _stop_. Just that. I…I’ve always been shy, that’s just my personality. I don’t think I was _ever_ meant to be the lead singer, but yea…” I said staring at the magnificent view of the city that spread behind Miles, through large windowpanes.

“Being shy is _fine_ , it may not be the average rockstar personality but, hey, that’s you! On the other hand, those paralyzing and recurrent feelings of angst you experience in many different everyday situations, those we need eradicate so they stop messing with who you really are. Let’s start then.”

He instantly got up and I followed him with my eyes. He swaggered across the room and stopped before an oak chest of drawers from which he grabbed some things and came back, lifting a wooden stool in the way and setting it down right in front of me. Next, he proceeded to sort of straddle it with his long legs.

“Look ‘ere, this is an Ipad, this a digital voice recorder and this a sort of shock pen. I guess you are familiar with the first _[really Sherlock?]_ , the second is for recording what you say while in trance and being able to analyze it later with you and, regarding the pen…well it’s used in _extreme_ cases when people can’t voluntarily come round from hypnosis, _[cool!]_ but that’s just awfully rare so don’t worry. One last thing: you ‘ave to adopt a willing attitude [ _he reached out and gently uncrossed my arms]_. That’s better. The truth is, there is no magic ‘ere: I can’t get in your mind if you do not allow me to so try to to put up as _little resistance_ as possible, okay? There’s nothing to be afraid of, you’ll be conscious all the same while you are in such a state, it’s not like I can tell you ‘go jump off that building’ and you’ll do it; giving up control is totally voluntary, you can decide to take _it_ back at any time. So…are you ready?” He flashed a soothingly smile at me.

I felt positively light headed. I didn’t like a bit the idea of ‘giving up control’ to a total stranger, because, yeah, he’s a freaking nobody to me. Anyway, I wasn’t backing off now so, taking a deep breath, I nodded once.

“Good Alex, look at the screen now.” He demanded in a soft voice, holding up the Ipad.

As anyone might have expected in this rather _s_ _pecial_ situation, I found myself staring at black-and-white spirals swirling non-stop. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes.

“Really?”

“Alex” Miles replied in a warning rising tone.

“’k”

I fixed my eyes again on the video before me, trying my best to take this seriously. Moments after, he finally spoke.

‘Good. You can just shuffle around a bit until you're comfortable. Close your eyes now and allow yourself to relax.”

I did and tried, respectively.

“That’s it. Now hold your left hand a few inches above your lap. There, good. _[I’m not your puppy]_ As long as it stays up, you will be awake. When it drops, you will be falling into a _deep_ trance. Let the rest of your body loosen up, always being aware of your left hand. Feel it start to get _heavy, Al_. Fell it slowly drawn toward your lap. You _try_ to hold it up, I know, but it’s getting more and more difficult. _[It is, fuck]_ Your hand is getting heavier; as if weights were dragging it down...inevitably down. With every word you hear, the task becomes more arduous. I see it, you can barely hold it up now _._ You strain but it’s tough. You _so_ want to _let go and_ it’s _okay, Al_. In a moment, I’ll count backward from three and say ‘trance’. When that happens, you will lose _all ability_ to hold your hand up _[oh shit]._ It will drop quickly into your lap and you will slump down in the sofa. Your will focus exclusively on my voice. It will feel _good…_ three… two…one. Trance!... _Good_ , you now feel yourself falling into a _deep_ relaxing trance. Your body falls limp and it feels just amazing. _[and strange]_ Allow yourself to simply enjoy this experience, _Al_. At present, all you can do is concentrate on my voice, nothing else _[I like it]._ You know I’m here to help you and so you _obey_. It comes out naturally. What I say you do. Now you feel calm, blissfully calm and _safe_ but…but you know you’re not always like this. Quite the opposite, actually _[oh]_. Now let’s imagine this: you’re headlining Leeds, you’ve been waiting years to perform on that stage, it’s like a dream come true. You walk on stage and the lights start flashing, the drum beats expand through the speakers and some even match your own pulse. But something is _off_. You lower your gaze to watch your fingers on your _guitar_. They are not moving _[god no!]._ You have forgotten the notes, the song… you just can’t remember it. People gazes are fixed on you, your bandmates…now I see you tensing up, breathing frantically…You know you are on the very verge of having an attack _[help me please]_. But you won’t, I’m here and I won’t allow that to happen. You trust my voice and so you feel secure, but not relaxed yet. Focus on the feeling, it’s unpleasant one, I know, but you have to do as I say. Now when I count to three you will say the first three words that come to yer mind while immersed in that feeling… The words will come out of your mouth foreign to you, don’t think but speak _[okay]._ One…two…three!”

“Nets. Twisted. Sweaters.” I literally spitted out, surprising myself a great deal. I felt like his voice was a very addictive drug that got me all pliant and content. Presently, I was a kind of a host in my own body but in a good way: relieved of the burden that implied being Alex Turner, just following simple commands.

“Good, it felt _relieving,_ didn’t it? Letting them out, those words… _[yes please keep talking]_ They were part of that tormenting feeling. No longer inside you; you feel it melt away… your breath has become even, I see, and now so does your heart _[He pressed his hand on my chest, dedicatedly pushing me further into the comfy cushions, eliciting a sigh of relief that came directly from my lungs_ ] “ _Great_. You’re almost quite relaxed again. You’re surprised at how fast your symptoms ‘ave been alleviated _[are you a telepathist too?]_   but … there’s still that tickling sensation down in the pit of your stomach…”

“Yes!” I gasped unrestrainedly.

_How does he even know that?_

“I know, that spark that threatens to start it up again. That, it keeps you from truly relaxing. It needs _out_. Again, I need you to pay close attention to that feeling. It’s rather elusive at times but now your mind is on it, feeling it subtly throbbing inside you, sluggishly climbing up until it rests on your mouth now too. You identify its slight _sour_ taste. You’ve felt it before, in the aftermath, when you are finally out of stage and in home alone. Over, but not quite _yet_. You want to put an end to this _[yes please]_. You can put an end to this, _Al_. Just _listen_ and _comply_. You will personify the feeling. Think of those people that you ‘aven’t been exactly getting along with recently, people that ‘ave hurt you, judged you, or simply made you feel uncomfortable... It doesn’t matter if you ‘aven’t seen them fer a long time, just think of them now. Visualize not their names but their faces. Take your time. I will count to 5 and when I do so I want you to name 3 people. However it comes out: nickname, full name, it doesn’t matter as long as you just let it all _flow_ out.” _[A pretty enticing voice you have Miles]_

5…4…3…2…1… _[oh!]_

“Jack. Miles… _[what? no!]_...emm Matt”

“Okay…well, you shouldn’t have thwarted the natural current of words but still, it proves enough to make that unnerving feeling you had dissipate in the air. Out of you at last, like I had promised. You now trust my word even _more_ ; the very sounds of it motivate you to _relax_. Let your thoughts wander free in your mind. Don’t hunch up Al.” _[He now placed his open palms on my shoulders and kindly pushed them back, making my chest rise up]_

“Breathe in and out” He whispered, still holding me in place. It felt _embarrassingly_ good. A slight moan made his way through my lips and god I tensed up instantly, realizing with _horror_ that I was starting to have a boner.  
  
 _FUCK_

I heard Miles laugh quietly and retreat to his seat.

“Don’t be ashamed, it happens to people all the time. The pleasure they get from relaxing makes them prone to become exceptionally _excitable_. It’s just _that_. Now, try to regain concentration by breathing in and out. Feel that blush wearing out as you fall again into a true relaxed state. That’s it. You feel comfortable again lying on the couch. Record this very moment in your memory _._ This worry-free state you find yourself in now. Sense the peace you’re experiencing from the top of your head to the tip of your toes. [ _I feel sedated, are you drugging me?]._ Good. Keep breathing as I count one last time. 3…2…1… ‘Awake!’

I almost jumped off the sofa. Only I didn’t _exactly_ command the movement. His voice… it was like it had sent a _reflex_ down my spine that _urged_ me to sit straight…And to open my eyes too, that was when all trace of the deep calm state I was in absolutely vanished, when I saw his radiant pale face before me, smiling brightly.

_I’ve just had a half-boner while in trance and he goddamned noticed it._

“I’m not gay” I should have said yet couldn’t bring myself to.

I looked down instead, mortified for having been so stupid as to let myself get horny over a brush of this guy’s hands. And his voice: raspy but somehow pleasant to the ear.

_How it rises and falls melodically…he could well be a singer._

Out of nowhere, Miles snapped his fingers at me.

“Alex! Stand up, stretch your muscles, walk around: recover full perception and awareness of your surroundings as I go scribble down some notes over there okay?” He asked struggling to meet my lowered gaze.

“Fine” I answered in a tiny voice and set to walk slowly around the room, moving my arms to and fro while laying my eyes on the various abstract paintings that hanged on the otherwise bare cream walls.

_I don’t get abstract art, it’s just stains. A kid could do that._

A few minutes later, eager to get the fuck out of there I stepped to the desk he was in and announced:

“I’m ready now. Guess I’d better be going.”

“Hey Al wait, what’s the hurry? Now usually comes what I call ‘analyzing time’ during which I ask you some questions based on what you had said but…Okay, I guess we’ll skip that today. Don’t want to overwhelm ye mate _[too late, you already did] ._ Please let me walk you out.”  
  
I was about to say it wasn’t necessary but he had already stood and started to guide the way out so I just followed him in silence.

“Guess I’ll see ye next week then.” He friendly patted my back as he opened the door.

_Freedom, I smell you._

“Yeah…Sure bye.” I said hurrying out and making my way to the lift. I was about halfway when I heard a sudden shout.

“Alex”

I turned around reluctantly.

“Next week.” Miles emphasized with a serious expression. There was an underlying intensity in his gaze that made me feel positively intimidated yet I couldn’t quite look away.

“Yes, see you then.” I answered in a clear tone, still petrified where I was.

“Good” He smiled _–mischievously?-_ as he closed the door in what appeared to be slow-motion.

Only when walking out of the building did it strike me the significance of the words I had uttered just seconds ago.

I’m coming back.

_It worked.  
_

_?_


	2. Chapter 2

“So…how was it, mate?” Matt asked excitedly as I got into the car.

“Fine, I guess.”

“Well, look, this first month is sort of a trial period…”

“Yea, yea, I know. He explained everything to me. Thoroughly.”

“He’s a cool lad ye know, I met him…”

“Great, he thinks the same about ye.” I snapped, not really in the mood for talking. I wanted to be in my apartment, on my own, _as usual_.

Matt got the hint and just turned the radio on. When he finally pulled the car up in front of where I lived, I practically jumped out, not bothering to say goodbye or anything ‘cause anyway I was inevitably seeing him sometime later today and that meant I wasn’t wasting my precious solitary time on stupid social conventions.

Running up the stairs, I quickly got to my apartment-third floor- and, desperately turning the key in the lock, I finally entered _paradise_. My apartment, when on my own, was my definition of utter sweet tranquility and, therefore, _happiness_. I can’t really put into words the feeling I was overcome with when I breathed in that delicious privacy that the walls embraced.

_If only I could marry my apartment._

 

\-------

For obvious reasons, I’m not a fan of going out in groups. However, my mood does oscillate depending on what place we go to. Tonight, the club we were in was a pure _nightmare_ : Cramped, full of people and making an incessant use of those annoying black light effects …it truly was a miracle I was still on my feet, listening absently at the football discussion that Matt, Jamie and a roadie were having. I couldn’t help glancing at my watch every two minutes or so, though.

_Is it over yet?_

“Al, for god’s sake stop being so… _still_. Let’s go get you some bird to have fun with!” Matt exclaimed a little bit tipsy, throwing his –rather heavy- arm around my shoulder.

_Fuck me, not this again._

“I’m actually ‘aving a good time ‘ere …football, oh!…I’ve watched a match the other day, can’t remember the…” I tried to engage in the prior conversation they were having.

“Ye ain’t fooling anyone mate; better stick with your beloved, solitary tennis. Now, see that hot blonde over there, in that booth? … she was practically eye-fucking you just minutes ago. Easy target Al, let her do all the talk and just stare…yeah like that: mysterious…girls go all wet for that shit today.” Matt sort of advised before dragging me along all the way to where this chick was. He talked, probably introducing ourselves but I couldn’t quite pay attention to what was going on around me. I’d started to feel both dizzy and suffocated, symptoms I knew all too well to dismiss their importance.

‘Sit down’ was all I heard Matt said as he pushed me towards the couch and _conveniently_ disappeared. Immediately after, the girl started blabbering and stroking my thigh way too enthusiastically. I attempted to get up but in that very moment she threw herself at me, literally. She was now sitting on my lap, kissing me voraciously.

“No, stop.” I somehow managed to break the kiss and put her ass back on the couch again. Not waiting to see her -probably upset- reaction, I fled to the exit- my yearning for seclusion burning my insides by then.

“The fuck Al, what in the world is wrong with ye?” Jaime shouted tugging my arm. I was shivering.

“I just need…I… I don’t feel…well” I did my best to form a coherent sentence while gasping for air.

_Leave me alone, I’m so close to having it. I don’t want to._

“That girl you’ve just fooking dumped like shit is one of my best friends mate, you simply _can’t do that_ to a hottie like ‘er, who the fuck you think you are, Turner?”

“Get lost _cookie pie_ ” I mocked hoping he’d just fuck off.

A blow, straight to my right cheek…that, I saw. There were more but, I wasn’t in any condition to fight so I just closed my eyes and sort of dozed off, trying to concentrate on the physical pain rather than on my chaotic feelings.

Eventually, it stopped.

Opening my eyes, I caught a glimpse of Matt holding _pissed_ -in both senses of the word- Jamie back.

It was my chance.

_I ran._

 

\-------

“Alex” Miles greeted from afar, door already opened as I walked down the long hall.

_Déjà vu_

“Kane” I waved and stepped in, heading straight to the room I remembered from last time.

“Well someone is eager, huh?” Miles joked as he followed me to the spacious room and made himself comfortable on his spot.

I sat down too but my mind wasn’t _there_. Sometimes, I wondered if my mind was anywhere at all. I stared blankly at those impressing windows and thought about just how pretty they surely portrayed the boisterous city at night.

_I would like to see that. Just another wish of mine, a mere pipe dream of course._

“Hey, whatever ‘appened there mate?” He questioned in a somewhat irritated tone. Confused, I turned to look at him expectantly. Only when he pointed at my face did I remember I still had a kind of reddish bruise that extended to my jaw, Jamie’s _courtesy_.

“Oh that!...I was punched.”

“Well, that’s obvious bu…”

“Great. Are we ever getting started or what?” I interrupted, not really wanting to go into details.

“Yes we _are_ getting started. And then we _will_ talk, Alex.”

“Whatever” I mumbled rolling my eyes.

“Okay, time to quit that sassy attitude, ‘right?” He warned as he stood, as I’d predicted, and reappeared few seconds later positioning a flimsy little wooden table in front of me. He kneeled on the carpet, opposite, and it was then when I realized that he was wearing a lilac silk shirt, white pants and studded black leather boots. He looked _impeccable_ in a very unique way.

“Alex, are you even listening?” Miles snapped his fingers at me.

“Yea, what?”

“Lay your arm on the table here…Take hold of my hand now… like this _[he nimbly placed his cupped hand under mine]_ Good… Next, fix your gaze on this spot and don’t divert it- here right between my brows. Meanwhile, try to push my hand down as hard as you can… C’mon, use your strength Al _[do you fucking want me to break your hand?]_ That’s much better; now I’m gonna ask you to do only one more thing, _Al_ …keep pushing…please, spell your name backwards…”

_?_

“R…e…d…n…umm…a…x…oh!”

It all happened _so fast_ … I felt completely destabilized, like I was falling, all of a sudden, as a result of a violent explosion on the very building I was in. Miles swiftly slipped his hand away from my tight grasp and instantly moved towards me. I was _startled_ , still trying to focus my blurry vision on his new position when I heard him breathe ‘sleep’ on my ear as he nudged me backwards, pressing my chest with the palm of his hand.

_My god, I’ve been switched off!_

“ _Relax_ , I got you _Al_ … Let go…it’s _okay_ , don’t fight it.” He reassured while holding me by the neck and carefully lowering and laying my limp body on the fluffy cushions.

Evidently, my brain was all too happy to comply ‘cause next thing I now is I’m once more in this _curious_ worry-free state.

“That’s good, you’re falling into a deep trance as I speak. Now, your eyes are frozen shut, I see. They are so tired yet relaxed that they _simply_ _cannot_ open, no matter your efforts. You sense it. The more you try to open them, the heavier your lashes become. Do try it, open your eyes _Al_.”

_Shit. I couldn’t do more than flicker my eyelids a bit; I felt so comfortably weak._

“ _You can’t open them_. Don’t push it, hey _[he brushed my wrists ever so slightly with the tip of his fingers]_ unclench your fists…that’s it. It’s _okay_ Al, you gave up control and it feels amazing. You experience now that so longed calm spread through your body as my voice finds its way through your ears. I know you like _it_ , my voice, the effect it has on you _[conceited bastard]._ You don’t want me to shut up so you follow my commands and answer my questions sincerely…Alex, tell me, how did you get the bruise?”

_I wanted to actually reply now. He made obeying feel exceptionally good._

“I pushed her away…the girl, she was…I didn’t’ want…then Jamie…”

“Shush. I know that you find it a little difficult to express yourself right now, _Al_ _[extremely]._ Your brain seems to think way faster than your mouth speaks but I need you to come up with coherent and complete sentences. It doesn’t matter it takes you longer, okay? Try again.”

“I was about to have an attack. It was crowded… I needed air. Then a girl…kissed me. Fucking Matt. I run. Jamie’s best friend she was. He punch…faggot…I run. Free. Apartment.”

“Okay, so… Jaime called you a _faggot_?...Alex, answer me.”

“Yea” I mumbled feeling my chest paralyzing temporarily.

“A _faggot,_ right… A rather _harsh_ insult coming from a friend, isn’t it? Faggot... Couldda just say ‘fag’ but no, he preferred ‘ _faggot_ ’. Did he say something like ‘Alex you’re a faggot’ or ‘what a _faggot_ you…?

“Stop already, please” I cried; my body was starting to shake uncontrollably.

Silence filled the room.

“Mi-i-les?” I stammered in a tiny voice

“It’s okay, don’t worry I’m here by your side _[he stroked my jerking arm]_. Take a deep breath now _[I tried twice and was interrupted by anxious gasps furiously breaking free from my mouth]_ Try again, every bit of oxygen…”

“I can’t” I blurted out in desperation.

_Helpless_

“Yes you _can;_ here is a pleasant incentive… Just take some deep breaths, take in the scents.”

He delicately pressed a _handkerchief?_ against my face. I could feel his strong hand through the light fabric which smelt of mint and some other fresh herb.

“C’mon, breathe in _Al_.”

I didn’t think twice and inhaled deeply, feeling the cool sensation expand fiercely in my lungs and travel slowly to my spasmodic sweaty limbs.

_Repeat_

“There you go. Feel the cool breeze alleviating that burning anxiety. Feel it die away as you exhale…Good. So, now, you’re again lying peacefully _[he withdrew the magic fabric from my face]_ , signs of an imminent attack absolutely gone. Trusting my voice, you were able to prevent yet another attack. Your feelings aren’t untamable, _Al_. It just takes determination to successfully placate them. I’m giving you _that_. Now, I want you to concentrate on this perfect calm you are now overcome with _[oh yea]_ as I count backwards. Cling on to _it_ , Al…three, two, one… awake!”

This time I didn’t sit down abruptly but slowly opened my eyes and gaspedslashmoaned as I came round, still in the same flat position I was minute ago.

_I’m not turned on, I swear._

“Good, that’s it. Welcome back!” Miles voice came from beside me. As I turned to face him, I felt his arm slid under my back and carefully push it up.

“Just try and sit up… like that, good.” He remarked as he soothingly stroke my back.  
“How’re you feeling?”

I looked at him. Unsurprisingly, he was smiling… yet, apart from that, his face conveyed pain - like he had just eaten some fish and swallowed a bloody bone.

_Well, it’s not a most charming view, I guess, seeing me twitch like I’m being electrified. He’s probably disgusted for having had to see that._

“Good. Better in fact, _thanks_ ” I replied honestly. Oddly enough, my lousy mood from earlier was completely gone.

“I’m glad I was able to help you. Now…I think we better skip the post-trance conversation today too. You’re in the perfect mood now to go and write some inspiring songs, or play your guitar, read or just do whatever you _please_ , ye agree?” He suggested enthusiastically.

_His grin was terribly contagious_

“Yea, writing would be nice.” I answered not quite able to unglue my eyes from his protuberant Adam’s apple.

_I want to write about your captivating voice._

_The things it does to me._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like it so far!  
> Thanks for reading :) x


	3. Chapter 3

“What’s this? Where the fuck are our instruments? We got songs to record people. We’re two days behind schedule! ” I exclaimed fairly miffed when I saw a big round table with chairs in what was supposed to be the room we were recording some tunes in today.

“We got a meeting first. With our publicist, manager or whatever ye prefer to call ‘im.” Matt said in a matter-of-fact tone while walking in and taking a seat.

Nobody seemed to be the least surprised. Nick flashed me a sort of pity smile while passing me by- that moment I knew what this reunion was going to be about. I hated how things had been going lately with them, my lifelong friends. I felt that they were getting increasingly tired of me and I couldn’t do anything about it.

_I can’t afford to lose them, though. They’re the only people I’ve ever felt sort of normal around._

“Gents” A short tanned man walked in wearing probably one of the finest suits I had ever seen.

“Richard” Everyone except for me greeted.

“So…this is gonna be real quick, let’s sit down, we just need to set some things straight: Alex, you are not selling, hush let me finish _[the fucker pointed his index finger at me]._ I’ve come up with the perfect scheme to efficiently boost your profile _[I like it as it is now, thanks]._ Alexa Chung: she’s a single top model that’s now working as an interviewer too…on mtv, ain’t that perfect? _[define perfect]_ Well, I’ve already exchanged some words with her manager and he told me she _would be willing_ to date you for _the flashes_ , as she put it _[oh what a lucky bastard I am!]_. It’d be just for a couple of months then we arrange a break up and…boom! Sales of the new cd by the band that poor heartbroken Alex sings in rocket.”

“Let me just think a…no!. I don’t give a shit about my image Richard… how can you _not_ get it already? All I care about is music, making quality rock music. It’s really simple: I don’t aim to become a praised popular ‘rock god’; fame on a grand scale appalls me. I enjoy the low-profile life I lead. I wouldn’t trade my freedom for anything and _that_ includes being able to be free to date whoever the fuck I want to, okay? Can you _understand_ that?”

“Well, then, I guess it’s time you quit the band altogether. I’m sorry to break it to you like this but I have conducted a poll and it turns out that the _majority_ of your bandmates _[they’re 3, for god’s sake]_ agree that if you don’t accept to do _this_ you’re out. That’s just the situation right now _[who needs enemy with friends like them, huh?]_ The success of your oncoming album is directly proportional to your popularity, Turner...you’re on the very brink of becoming a popular band in the States and when you achieve that, worldwide fame is assured. All you need is a little publicity _push_. Look, I’m not even asking you to actually date her. We just need paparazzi taking pictures of you together in parties and public places. She would do the rest by occasionally mentioning in her tv show how amazing you are both as a lover and a musician _[empty lies for empty eyes…that’s the people we’ll draw to our band, cool]_. It’s implicit, I believe, that you absolutely cannot be photographed with anyone else during that period _[I’m not a social butterfly, you know]_ so any romantic activity you wish to have during that time must be behind closed doors. No more snapshots of you in underground gay clubs _[what!?]_. That’s denting horribly your reputation. You can’t afford being gay right now so save it for when you can buy a bloody island if you want to. Then you can go fuck a whale for all I care, am I clear Alex?” He waved his hand in a very grandiose and melodramatic manner, like he were the one and only king in all England and I his filthy, unworthy slave.

_Richard you’re a totally delusional dwarf, I’m afraid._

“Oh please give me a break, would you!? I’ve only gone two gay clubs and it was out of curiosity. All I did was sit and glance around while scribbling down some thoughts. I can’t fathom how any picture of me writing would be compromising in any fooking way. Be sensible man!”

“Yeah sure, you went there to _write,_ Alex. Look, don’t make this longer than it needs to be, just sign here and go back to recording your songs. Tomorrow we are having the first proper photoshoot with Chung. The sooner we start, the sooner we’ll finish, deal?”

I looked around: Nick, Matt and Jamie were piercing me with their stares; they seemed annoyed to no end.

_God, I can’t give up my band. It’s everything I got._

“Fine” I hissed and proceeded to sign the ‘contract’. Every movement I made with the pen felt like stabbing my precious freedom to death; the blue trace, its blood.

_Maybe, in some aspect, I’m his slave now._

_Funny, that._

 

\-------------------

“So you’re a ‘ _taken’_ now, I see. Very nice lady indeed: _Alexa Chung_ , isn’t that just hilarious? Alex and Alexa. You two look lovely here.” Miles pointed at the magazine he was holding while chuckling. It was a picture of me and that annoying bossy bitch smiling while having breakfast together in an extravagant French café.

_I thought you, of all people, wouldn’t fall for it. But you buy it, just like everyone else. Am I that good of a liar?_

“I guess. Hey, why are we at your desk?...Shouldn’t we move over there and…”

“Oh no, you’re not escaping the talk today. And we will begin right away if you insist dear _Al_. Okay so let’s see _[he carelessly threw the magazine aside and took a notebook out of a drawer]_. Here it is! So… in the first session you mentioned quite interesting words: ‘Nets’ ‘Twisted’ ‘Sweaters’ and names: ‘Jack’ ‘Miles’ and ‘Matt’. We can hear the recording if you want to check…

“No, I remember everything.”

“Good… in that case, _Al_ , please do tell me what you can make of the first set of words: what they convey to you, as a group or separately…why do you think you chose them?” Miles questioned while biting his pen and throwing me a look that could make diamonds bent.

_There’s something special about his undefined intensity. Intimidating yet not repelling, just enough to make me fascinated._

“‘Nets’… well I love tennis. ‘Sweaters’ maybe was connected with the fact that I felt cold? ‘Twisted’ I dunno…perhaps I was thinking of my attacks and how I can’t control my movements at all…”

“And what about the names, Al?”

_You’re making a moan of my name. You realize that?_

“Matt…I was mad at him for bringing me here. Jack…well I guess I was referring to Jack white, great musician… yeah that I…I mean…” I choked on my words very stupidly.

“Al, look at _me_ , you’re blushing. What’s up with that Jack? You _like_ him?” Miles sounded amused.

“What? No! He…I… we toured together some months ago. Great guitarist, very fast fingers. I mean…” I gulped and looked down to the pretty carpet once more.

_It really is not the right moment to bring back memories of his slippy hands._

_“ Al_ ex you’ve got to open up and tell me what’s going on in your head. Otherwise, I won’t be able to help you at all. You can trust me, I’ve attended tons of famous people and never said a word about their secrets, to anyone. My job depends on my clients trusting me Al, if they don’t I simply can’t work with them.”

“Okay…Jack…He made me question some _things_ …but it’s over now! It was a sort of a… fling… in a way? But we didn’t actually…he’d just come to my dressing room, before a concert, and… _do_ _things… to me._ ”

“So you were attracted to _this guy_?”

_Stop biting your lip, please. It distracts me._

“Umm…not at first, well yea, I mean…He was hella bossy and I got awfully anxious when he had ‘is … I couldn’t truly enjoy those first experiences but then I guess I sort of grew accustomed to it and started to actually like it…and ‘im, I mea…”

“Alex…” Miles interrupted, softly pushing my chin up with his warm hand.

_I’m always so goddamn cold in comparison._

“Did he rape you?” He added in a tiny voice his brilliant smile completely distorted by now.

“No! Why would you… No, of course not! I’ve always had sort of a big crush on him and well one day in the showers he heard me…saying his name…you know? The thing is I never thought it could be real…it was just a fantasy for me so when it was actually happening I couldn’t help but freeze and sort of panic. He’s rather bossy but that doesn’t mean he forced things, I wanted to do those things, in spite of my nerves… What I meant before was that when I became used to the notion of Jack _wanting me_ my nerves settled down for good and I could enjoy things more… we never went too far though, like…we never really had _sex_. It was just a stupid irrational infatuation I had. I’m straight, I know it.” I explained hoping this talking thing could be over already.

“Well, ‘ell you scared me _[really?]_ , people taking advantage of anxiety-ridden people is far more common than you may believe. Now I’m going to give you my personal interpretations of your words, which just grow more accurate, I believe, with this thing you’ve just told me _[shit]_. The first set of words you mentioned needs to be analyzed in a whole, in my opinion. They portray suffocation in different ways, a symptom I’m sure you experience quite frequently but…let’s focus on the physiological aspect rather than the physical. Those words give me the impression that there is something you’re ‘iding that’s eating you alive. Something you steadfastly deny to others but on the inside you have your _doubts_. You’re repressing feelings out of fear of being judged and _that,_ Al, is just the perfect fuel for anxiety to overpower you. What is _that_ stopping you from considering that maybe you _do_ have some homosexual tendencies, _Al_? Are you afraid of…”

“I’m not gay, you dick’ead!” I shouted at him, suddenly exasperated. “I just _can’t_ find a bird I’m attracted to right now, okay? That doesn’t mean I like blokes. I can’t…I don’t, I swear…” I whimpered still mad about the notion of him too thinking me a _faggot_.

“You don’t have to prove anything to me, _Al_. I don’t care about your sexual orientation as long as you’re happy…and let me tell you that this _straight_ Alex dating a chick for the press is not looking very content right now. Here, take some tissues.” He spoke nonchalantly as he slid on the table a box of tissues my way.

“How do you even know that? I mean we’re…” I was dumbfounded by his calm revelation.

“Just months before your album comes out… how convenient, huh? And that face you put on when I showed you those pictures on the magazine… _pure disgust, Al_.” He chuckled very full of himself, the bastard, and even dared to wink an eye at me.

“Ye just…stay away from me. You’ve got everything wrong…my anxiety ‘as nothing to do with my sexual preferences. The only thing stopping me from fucking this Alexa girl is that she is a pain in the ass…always complaining ‘bout everything… I’m 100% straight.” I insisted feeling my chest tensing up once more.

He silently placed his elbows on the desk and leaned towards me. His playful eyes were scrutinizing me, way too close to be considered _professional._

“Straight lads don’t get a boner when I speak to them, _Al_.” He snapped sultrily in a whisper as he tilted his head, waiting for my reaction.

_Such thin lips let out that baritone._

“That…what? No I…” I stammered and pushed him away out of reflex, my lungs craving open air.

I truly couldn’t bear being there another second so I quickly got up and sprinted to the main door. Luckily, he hadn’t locked it so I got out and ran down the stairs. I heard him call my name and follow my steps, but I’m remarkably agile when the situation calls for it so out of the building, at last, I hurried down the streets not looking back.

_Goodbye posh neighborhood, I’m so not seeing you again._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey I just want to thank you all for leaving kudos & comments, they truly make my day and motivate me to keep writing! It's really nice to know you guys are enjoying reading this as much as I do writing it :) x


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Sorry for stopping you here but I realise you may notice that in this chapter many phrases kinda rhyme...well I've been reading tons of poetry lately so I guess it's somewhat contagious?)... I dunno how I managed to do it but I suggest that you try not to focus on it because it can be rather distracting (at least it is for me!)  
> That's it, enjoy the chap :)

“This is suffocating you, _Al_ …raise your arms…good…off it goes! What an awful knitted sweater, way too heavy for yer slight frame to ‘old, _love_. Breathe in now…See! So much better…”

_Love?_

I was sitting bare-chest on the sofa, slowly blushing under Miles’ gaze. From where was, I could see that he was wearing a pair of blue tight jeans, classic black vans and a plain white t-shirt, an outfit that suited him tremendously in spite of its inherent simplicity. With long steps, he came closer and clumsily positioned himself next to me on the couch.

“Now …Fall” He whispered in my ear, pressing only his index finger against my chest.

_Now that I call power._

I fell, somehow, and was now enjoying the relieving sensation of not having to support one’s weight at all.

_Thank you servile cushions._

“So, Al…” Miles shot me a wicked look. His pupils were dilated and for once there was no trace of his peculiar brownish glow, only a sharp black pearl that, surrounded by whiteness, clearly stood out.

“You’re straight” He pouted in a mild high-pitched voice, placing his right hand on my chest and starting to move it in circular motion. “aren’t you?”

_Is it natural for you to just caress people like this?_

His touch had such a strong soothing effect on me that I practically couldn’t focus on anything else. Presently, I couldn’t form neither a coherent thought nor a sentence. All I knew is I felt incredibly calm and that alone was enough for now. 

“No answer eh? I’ll have to test it myself then.” He chuckled and moved his hand down, leaving a marked trace of goosebumps as he did so.

A _jolt_ …it travelled up my spine to my brain which processed the source: a hand, a soft brush, the slightest contact was enough to trigger that physical response men get when aroused.

“Oh, _Al_! It appears to me that you want me to touch you some more.” Miles purred most irresistibly as he tilted his head a bit and lowered his gaze. “Here” He emphasized, palming my length through the thick cotton fabric, his signature smirk never leaving his face.

“Yes… _I do_.” I confessed embarrassed and desperate at the same time.

“Like this?” He asked feigning naivety while sliding one smooth hand under my underwear and then zealously flicking his wrist up and down my throbbing hard-on. His eyes were fixed on mine again, watching my every reaction; his lip was being bit by his brilliant canine.

Words totally eluding me, I nodded overcome with pleasant feelings and instinctively closed my eyes.

“No, open your eyes Alex, look at me…yeah just like that, straight at my face. I’m a lad, _see_? Just like you babe. Try to get that past your thick skull. I’m giving you a handjob and hell you’re enjoying it love. Moaning like a _needy_ slut.” He  snickered and, tightening his grip proceeded to move his hand faster.

_No, this can’t be happening._

“No I… can’t… stop!” I pleaded between whimpers, hands clasped over my face.

“Oh but you _can_. You want this babe, I know it. It needs _out_ , all this accumulated sexual frustration. Hold it no more, it’s _okay_ , c’mon _Al_ …” He slurred sultrily and, leaning over me proceeded to bite my neck with his sharp teeth.

_I’m so weak._

_I can’t resist you, Miles._

“Oh fu…ck…fuck!... god!” I cried out wriggling and climaxing- feeling as light as a feather being carried away by a cool autumn breeze.

“You’re so _gay_ love. Just say it aloud once. Your brain needs to admit what your body already has. C’mon!” He kept repeating non-stop in short breaths as he continued to place kisses on my neck and collarbones.

“I am…no! I…I’m…” I stammered

“Yes, _Al_ , say it to me.”

“I…”

 _A buzz_. Annoying piercing sound created by the devil himself. Darkness, pale moonlight slipping through the blinds. Sweat, tiny drops making their way down my forehead and armpits too. Uneven breathing, accelerated pulse. Loneliness in the shape of untouched pillows beside me.

_It was a dream, just that._

I felt dirty and annoyed to no end. Fuck the alarm going off at random hours, fuck my twisted mind, fuck Miles for acting so seductively all the goddamned time…I needed a cold shower.

_Now._

 

\--

Books.

_Their smell, it attracts me._

Compact as well as immense 3d squares and rectangles surrounded me as I walked down my favorite aisle. Not that I was _particularly_ interested in ‘mythology’, but this section of the library was the quietest one and so here I’d spend hours when I felt like collapsing inside. Slipping away from reality was so easy when you had a book at hand. It marveled me, the knowledge, the wisdom one block of pages could contain. And the ‘ _afterwards’_? I’d never felt quite the same after reading a book, for both good and bad…something changed, clicked inside me and altered myself irremediably. Maybe I’m just deliberating things too much. Maybe words aren’t magic at all until I pour my feelings all over them; looking for a reason, a meaning where there is _not_. Words should be just words yet.. _._ there’s _more_ to them.

_And to me?_

It’s been exactly five days since I last saw Miles. He fell over himself apologizing on both voice mails and text messages- all ‘contact information’ I had given him is my cellphone. Yesterday, he finally talked things over with Matt who very straightforward said to me ‘You are not quitting hypnotherapy Alex. You’re progressing tons, end of story.”

_Still…_

Still they can’t _drag me_. Well, actually, I’d been losing some weight lately due to my general lack of appetite so, factually, they can but…it’d prove futile ‘cause I won’t talk and most certainly will not let my guard down. Miles said it very clearly himself: he can’t do anything if I don’t adopt a willing attitude. Nothing _at all_. I have the power, not him.

_I know me better than anyone else._

_I know me. I am me._

Loud riffs came from my pocket, bringing me back to reality in the blink of an eye.

_Fuck, shut up!_

Eager to stop the loud ringtone I answered the call immediately, without looking at the screen to check the caller id.

_A terrible mistake, indeed._

“ ’ello?”

“ ‘ey! Well, it was just about damn time! Where are ye, mate? I’m at your place and its fooking empty _[he broke in again, god]_ , I don’t know whether to take that as a good or bad sign. Are you with Alexa? Oh! You should really give that bird a chance at least… She is gorgeous Al, maybe a tad bit skinny, but her eyes mate! You…”

“Get out of _my apartment_ , now! Matt, I…we’ll speak later, okay?. I’m kinda busy…” I whispered glancing around paranoically.

“Oh no… you’re at the library, aren’t you?” He interrupted me with a growl.

_Why does he even care?_

“No, I…”

“Of course you are Alex, I know yer lying voice before you even utter half a word. Listen, let’s do this: Indulge yourself in words now, after all, you’ve to get your inspiration to write from somewhere, ‘right? So read, _read_ like every book in the world were just about to get burnt. But tonight…oh tonight we’re painting this city red, pay attention now: there is this new club that ‘as opened just a few weeks ago, and god it’s the absolute _shit_ Al! They sell the best bloody booze and coke in all England and due to the ‘ype it’s full of young models strolling there like it were a fucking catwalk. We aren’t missing _that,_ mate- and don’t worry: since it’s full of recognized people, paparazzi aren’t allowed in, ye just gotta be careful when walking out, okay? Try ‘nd be discreet. One more thing, this place is on the outskirts of London so we better set off early…pick ye up at seven, ye fooking Rapunzel better be ready by then, okay?”

Funny how things _arrange themselves_ in spite of me. It’s like I’m starring a movie that constantly has new scripts to learn. I don’t have a say, just gotta follow the lines.

_This is not how I pictured life would be for me._

I should be enjoying my money and fame, being stupid and reckless with my friends yet anxiety stops me from doing literally everything.

It’s always _there_ , holding me tight, like a reminder of the stillness I should aspire to- to avoid the manifold triggers that life in society presents. But I can’t, no matter how hard I try to isolate myself and enjoy life on my own, it always goes back to _this_. Interaction finds me like a curse I can’t get rid of and unleashes all kind of disastrous emotions inside me. I know, though, loneliness is not the solution itself ‘cause it just _placates_ the whole ordeal. It doesn’t actually kill the angst but sends it to sleep. It’s always ready to resurge and take back control. I want it gone.

_Like when I was in trance._

I could swear that during some short sweet lapses it was positively dead. While I heard _him_ pliantly, everything seemed achievable and simple. I felt composed and, yeah, _relaxed_ in a way I had forgotten was possible. I could really _breathe in_ , without that awful sensation that a bull had sat over my lungs. His fingers drew _it all_ away and, in all truth, I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t kill to experience that blissed state again but…

But his hands and oh-so enticing voice also _awoke_ things in me. Things that shouldn’t be there in the first place but goddamn are. I’d even had an erotic dream with him, god...that’s not fine by any means. But then again… when is anything ever fine with me? I’m supposedly dating a bird I wouldn’t want to be in the same room with.

Everything is going _haywire_ ; I can’t quite put my life back on track.

_I’m vulnerable in so many aspects I sometimes wonder if the only way out is the bullet or the knife._

_After all, defective toys go to the bin and from there to rot away in a rubbish dump._

_Why shouldn’t I?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay maybe 'enjoy' wasn't the right word huh?  
> Anyway, thanks for reading!  
> Any feedback is truly appreciated :)x


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! so this chap is kinda lengthy so as to make up for the fact that i probably won't be able to update anything this following week so yea, i'm sorry! hope you enjoy this chap :)

_It could be worse._

Thanks to its exclusive status, it wasn’t at all crowded. To get _inside_ you had to be in _the list_ and so that functioned as a powerful filter of _people_. I mean, there were more people outside fighting and shouting at the bouncers than _here_. By just walking round a bit, you could easily tell that it was a fairly new club- mainly due to the fact that both the dancefloor and couches didn’t have yet that awful stickyslashdirty feeling to them. There was, though, a general air of luxury and richness in the room that rather repulsed me but hey, it can’t be perfect. I too very much liked the fact that the lights weren’t aggressive and that the music wasn’t deafening loud.

_But the excesses._

There were kind of _incognito waiters_ offering you coke and ecstasy all the bloody time.

“Don’t mix it with booze guys, that’s dangerous and we ain’t fancy having a dead body here, understood?” This stout bronzed man warned the four of us as he handed the mysterious little bags to Matt.

“I’ll pass” I announced as they headed for a table, presumably to draw the lines.

“Sure, have fun mate” Matt chuckled, Jamie and Nick echoing his laughther, before walking away.

_Well that was strange._

I turned on my heels with the intention to go and sit on a stool, by the bar, and maybe jot something down- my little notebook and pen safe in my jeans’ back pocket. However, I couldn’t do as much as take a step forward because a long-haired blonde bird wearing a dazzling silver dress blocked my way.

“Hi” She giggled in a surprisingly deep voice for such a twiggy frame. “I’m Cara”

“ ’i, umm I’m Alex. ”

“Ye fancy a drenk, Alex?” She asked, playfully attempting to imitate my accent. This Cara girl had very expressive blue eyes that seemed just about _to pop out_ of their sockets as she looked at me intently. There was, though, an overall friendly vibe to her so I accepted.

_Yes a girl invited me a drink._

Prejudices are _bad_. I’d guessed by her peculiar gait and height that she was in fact a model and, consequently, I surely was going to end trapped in the an awkward position of having to excuse myself promptly and do my best to run away from an obnoxious bitch like Alexa.

_I was wrong though._

_Awfully wrong indeed._

Cara was _amazing. S_ he had a very laid back attitude and so didn’t seem to mind I stammered practically all the time and on average took twice the time she did to answer simple get-to-know questions. This bird was remarkably pretty too, but in a natural sort of way, like she embraced her beauty yet wasn’t _showing off_ like most people here. Feeling comfortable around her came, to my surprise, naturally as she joked nonchalantly about her model peers–yeah she’s a model indeed: _Cara Delevigne_ \- and made funny faces every thirty seconds or so. Her hand intermittently rested on my shoulder for some periods of time as I spoke, but if anything, I believe she did it so that she could come closer and hear better what I was saying - that was as far as contact between us went. We chatted a lot about music, fashion, England, the queen and even tennis. She was just starting to tell me her very interesting opinions on feminism when a group of stumbling girls approached her and, shouting something in a frenzy, pulled at Cara’s arm, urging her to go somewhere.

“Wait, you desperate drunk bitches. I’ll go in a moment.” She waved them off and looked at me again.

“You wait here. I’ve got someone to introduce to you.” She smiled broadly with those childish teeth of hers before springing away.

_Nothing good lasts long, huh?_

“Alex!” I heard her exclaim a few moments after from behind my back. I was crossing the dancefloor in a rush, going nowhere at all.

I stopped halfway and turned around: there was absolutely no point in trying to hide or reach the exit ‘cause she had already seen me so, slowly and defeated, I turned around with a soft sigh.

“Alex!” She repeated in front of me now, exactly in the same I’m-blocking-your-way-and-it’s-so-much-fun fashion from before. “We can play hide and seek some other day, I promise. I’ll invite you to my house! It’s awfully big.” She added chuckling and drawing an invisible circle on the air with her hands- which she watched in awe as she moved them.

“Okay” I nodded, flashing her a little smile. Her constant good mood was contagious in spite of the nonsense of her latest words.

_Maybe she meant it though; she hasn’t drunk a glass since I’ve been with her and her pupils look fine._

“Perfect! Now look, this is my friend David.” She announced pushing a tall blond lad forward. “David this is Alex. Well, in fact, his middle name is David too _[she poked my chest with his index finger]_ …aw you’ve haven’t even talked and already have one thing in common! Ain’t that great?” She giggled, clapping her bony hands enthusiastically.

“Well, I gotta go, have fun you _cuties_. See ya later!” She looked at us joyfully before sprinting to the annoying little group of birds that were calling her name again.

_No! What was she thinking in?_

“Well I’m guessing since you ran here, the very center of dancefloor, you feel like dancing, _Alex_?” David sort of contemplated the situation aloud as he extended his hand my way.

I automatically sized him up. _David_ was wearing a colorful arabesque-patterned three piece suit and white leather pointed shoes. He was slender in a way that made me suspect he was a model too. As for his face, it exuded manliness: strong jaw, neatly-trimmed bear, slightly chapped thick lips, green confident eyes. Overall, he was attractive in a very masculine way.

I grabbed his hand hesitantly. He squeezed mine in reply and spun me round with one quick movement.

“I like your rockstar vibe… don’t be shy, you look fantastic in that black leather outfit!” David approved, winking at me.

 **_He_ ** _’s complimenting me oh god!_

“Well you look…elegant…the suit” I choked, trying to explain myself as I pointed at him and internally wondered why I hadn’t run away already.

_Because he’s really hot?_

_WHAT?_

“Oh thank you, it’s one of my faves!” David exclaimed, taking hold of my hands and intertwining our fingers together. “Follow my moves, _hon._ ”

Blame it on the _alcohol_. Scratch that, I had only drunk a glass. It was surely this electronic music that make people stupid. God it was making me stupid- _and happy_. How closely related those feelings they tend to be! Anyway, I was in a dark corner of this trendy select club at the moment, making out shamelessly with sexy vanilla-scented David. The way he danced around shouldn’t be considered _legal_ \- moving his hips around with a _smirk_ , pulling you closer, then pushing you away, then pulling you closer _again_. I was sweaty, horny and…I just shut my brain down and let him have his way with me. It felt renewing, _this_ , kissing a stranger just for the heck of it. I felt careless for once, and therefore truly young. My greatest worry at the moment was whether he would mind me biting his fleshy lip.

_He likes it. Ouch! I do too, it feels nice._

“Alex?” I heard someone question.

_Matt? I can’t possibly have such bad luck._

_Play dumb, maybe he’ll go away._

David didn’t seem to have been paying attention so I just went on kissing him.

“My God, Alex what are you doing?” I now heard Matt clearly by my side, tugging my arm violently and tragically breaking the kiss.

I opened my eyes reluctantly and caught a glimpse of Matt shooting a disgusted look at both David and me.

“What?” I shouted irritated, rolling my eyes.

“What what? You’re dating _Alexa_ for god’s sake!” He rebuked, eyes bloodshot. “You get lost. Now!” He added pointing his fist at poor confused David.

“Oh he didn’t tel… okay chill! I’m gone” David retreated sort of dumbfounded by the abrupt end of it all and disappeared in the dancing crowd as I stood frozen.

“You’re a truly disgusting _creature_ Al. You were kissing a _bloke_ [ _he grabbed me by the shoulders and pushed them hard against the wall_ ] I saw it with my own eyes, there’s no denying it…”

“Yes I _did_! Fuck it, what’s the goddamn problem, Matthew? You said it very clearly yourself earlier: there aren’t any paparazzi here so…it’s _fine,_ nobody will ever know shit about my ‘sexual deviations’ just like everybody wanted, happy now?”

“Oh but I know! Fucking Christ, you lied to us all and now risk our future as a band for _cock [back hitting the hard concrete once more, ouch!]._ What is wrong with you Alexander? We…I…I fooking know ye since middle school, we played bloody football together on the weekends…in the club…god!... at the showers… you enjoyed _it_?” He spitted grabbing my neck and roughly squeezing it.

_What are you even implying?_

That did _it_. The mix of sexual frustration and anger that was keeping me somewhat firm dissipated quickly with such harsh accusations and give way to that wretched anxiety which reappeared as powerful as ever, making me squirm and breathe with even more difficulty than I already was.

“Answer me you fag. Watching us all naked, huh? _[more pressure]_ Did you then go to the shower and jerked off to that? Oh god it’s so fucked up Al _[stop I can’t breathe]._ I feel I don’t know you anymore.” He concluded finally letting his grip loose and pulled away shaking his head.

Eager to get out of Matt’s sight, I hurried to the toilet pushing- with trembling limbs- my way past the dancing bodies in a daze, using people’s backs for support. I think I even accidentally spilt a drink over some poor guy.

_Sorry! I didn’t mean to._

At last, I got to the surprisingly empty loo and managed to lock myself in. Hoping loneliness would help me calm down, I sat on the toilet and began to whimper out of reflex.

_This time is happening. I’m dying, I can’t breathe. I can’t._

“Alex?” I heard a voice coming from outside.

_No, he couldn’t possibly have followed me, could he?_

“Go…go..go away” I gasped in utter desperation. I felt light-headed in a horrible way, like all I could do was move my body in slow motion as I listened with awful accuracy my hurried loud heartbeat and failing breaths.

_I’m dying in a loo, now how pathetic is that?_

“Alex!” The door shut open with a loud thump and revealed my persecutor was, in fact, _Miles_. I couldn’t see him that clearly among the unceasing tears that flooded my eyes, however, I somewhat recognized the pitch of his voice and well, not that many people would dress in tight red jeans, right?

_Now this is a small fucking world._

“Aa…I”I sighed frantically. I was feeling like a plastic bag had been put over my head while I was being electroshocked.

_Please do something._

I absently saw Miles squat and look at my eyes.

“Shhh hey it’s _okay,_ you are not dying _[you do read minds!]_ I promise _._ Let’s get you out of here.” He whispered as he pulled me up delicately and wrapped an arm under my shoulders. Once on my feet, I attempted to move the way he guided and had to hold on to his waist at times so as not to fall down. I couldn’t help but notice his _shirt felt wet and sticky._

_The drink...it was his._

A few moments later, we came to a stop. I tried to glimpse around through the tears. We were in a dark alleyway, outside the club at last, silence reigning in the dead of night. He softly pushed me against a cold brick wall, the only illuminated spot in the block.

“Breathe in some fresh air, _Al_. See, do as I do.” Miles encouraged, inhaling deeply himself and reaching for my chest but it was all in _vain_. I could hardly focus on his words; he was but a blur, a mere ghost… He had no effect on me, I was in the very midst of an attack now: sweating, crying, gasping, twitching and whining like a run-over cat.

“Al, listen to me, please take a drag, c’mon.” Miles purred softly in my ear while he stroked my restless chest. I thought I was completely losing it but then I realized there was something being forced into my mouth. A fag?

_He expects me to smoke now?_

Only it wasn’t _that_. A faltering puff was enough to realize that wasn’t just a cigarette. I bent over but still, coughs escaped my mouth non-stop.

_This is just worsening my in-need-of-oxygen state._

“Up, Al” Miles plucked at my hair. “It gets better, just let the hot smoke make its way into your lungs. Trust me, it will _calm_ you…take a hit.” He forced the thing in my mouth again and, overwhelmed by the intensity of my feelings, I complied and proceeded to smoke the joint in the hopes he knew what he was doing.

_He did._

Soon after, the gasps for air started to disappear and so I was able to take longer drags as he caressed my hair soothingly. Gradually, the shivers started to grow weaker in intensity as my body became more and more limp to the point that Miles had to wrap his free arm tight around my waist and let his right knee slip between my not-so-closed legs so that I didn’t fall to the floor.

_I’m dead-weight straddling your leg and not even complaining. In fact, I’m enjoying it. I’m such a whore._

“Easy” He murmured, finally taking the thing out of my mouth. “This certainly wasn’t a very professional method…”

“Shut up, you saved me.” I slurred- interrupting his blabbering- and giggling stupidly I threw my arms around his neck for some more support.

“Well, I…”

“Just take me away from here, will you? He…They might find me.” I whispered in a tiny voice, suddenly tensing and glancing around.

“Who, _Al_?” He held my chin up and when I looked at him everything was a mist of fuzzy colours except for the tight line his lips were forming.

_Smile please, you have dreamy teeth._

“Please don’t let them.” I hugged him on impulse and buried my head in the curve of his left shoulder.

“It’s _okay_ , I won’t. Don’t worry, _it’s over_ now.” He patted my back reassuringly.

_I could stay like this forever._

“Let’s get going then” He breathed as he tightened the grip around my waist some more so as to steady my steps and leaded me to where he had parked his car.

_A yellow convertible, of course._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh! i forgot to mention i made a special 'milex' tumblr 'cause i was kind of transforming my main blog into one so yea you can find me there to fangirl over the guys-> calmlikemilex.tumblr.com


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to thank you guys for all the kudos and comments; it's really striking -in a good way- to think somewhere around the world you're reading this and enjoying it <3 !

I woke up to The Beatles.

Yes, John and Paul screaming at the top of their lungs _“all you need is love”._ I rubbed my eyes groggily and before I could question anything the sound kind of died away. I yawned and glanced around. I was in my homely bedroom: blue wall clock ticking loud, a pile of books on the bedside table, rays of sunshine already making their way through the blinds and invading my black-and-white duvet…

_How did I get here though?_

I was in the process of trying to fathom some possible answers to that question when I was surprised by the sound of the feeble door of my little private room creak open slowly, but not as much as to have been caused by a current of wind.

“Alex, did I wake you?” Someone whispered.

_Miles_

I froze and out of instinct glanced at the _other side_ of my bed. It didn’t seem particularly untouched but, then again, I sort of wriggle when asleep so that wrinkles on the sheets didn’t actually prove anything.

_But what if they do?_

Tiptoes echoed my way and I quietly lay down again and closed my eyes, trying to pretend being asleep but was caught in the act.

“So I did. I’m sorry _Al_ , I just couldn’t resist playing your Beatles’ LP collection. My god it’s a treasure! Anyway, I made some breakfast so get up _[he turned on the bright ceiling lights]_ and join me if you wanna talk ‘cause I have appointments from eleven today and yea that’s in about twenty minutes.”

_It’s so late already? I’m usually an early riser._

I heard him walk away and leave the door ajar. Sluggishly, I got off the bed and headed to the kitchen, desperately following the invisible tea scent thread. I barely acknowledged Miles when I slid on the stool focusing instead on the hot steamy cup before me.

“Well good morning to you too!” He laughed quietly as I gulped down that sweet English elixir.  

Just when I was about to finish drinking my first cup, a loud knock came from the main door. I immediately shot an angry look at Miles who shrug his shoulders because yeah, he doesn’t live here.

_I’ve just woken up, I don’t want to socialise._

“Are you expecting someone, _Al_?” Miles asked in a throaty voice that momentarily disconnected me from reality. I stared at his profile as he lowered his gaze to read the newspaper, the gentle lines that marked it, his messy long fringe threatening to poke his eye with every blink, his parted thin lips that always seemed just about to smile.

More knocks.

“The door Al!” Miles pointed at the _bathroom?_ eyes still glued on the newspaper.

_I’m truly not bothered by your presence here. I wouldn’t mind it if you stayed longer._

_How am I supposed to take that?_

Finally, I kind of came round and hurried to the door in the hopes it’d just be an angry neighbour complaining about the loud music but big was my surprise when I saw Cara and the blond lad from last night standing there.

_David, that’s his name._

“Hi!” Cara exclaimed “My God, did we interrupt something? Have you already forgotten David Al!?” She sighed dramatically, taking her hand to her mouth as he sized me up.

Only then did I realise I was wearing just black underwear, not a shirt, not anything else.

_Miles saw me like this…oh, does that mean that we…_

_No he wouldn’t act this nonchalant if something had happened._

_Nope._

“No, of course not. What are you doing here anyway? I mean, how you knew where I …”

“Contacts babe, now are you ever letting us in? I’d kill for something hot to drink right now.” Cara squealed. Moving aside rather reluctantly, I let her and silent David come inside. They both were wearing sport clothes and I felt awfully self-conscious of my nakedness as I led them to the breakfast table where calm, _angelical_ Miles was still attentively reading the paper. Introducing everyone quickly, only by their names, I suddenly became conscious of the huge mess I was tangled in at the moment and so, following my trademark strategy for avoiding trouble, I decided I’d flee to my bedroom, get dressed and when Miles needs to go I’d state I have to do so too and efficiently empty my lovely apartment once and for all. However, I should have acted instead of scheming everything in my head first ‘cause next thing I know is David wrapped his slender arm around me and pulled me up as he slid on a stool so that I ended up sitting on his lap.

“Al, _hon_ , you feel so cold.” David whispered placing some silent kisses on my nape and making me shiver. “So cold” He tightened his hold of me.

_Shit, I’m experiencing… **things**. _

I couldn’t deny it felt comfortable and exquisitely warm, being held like this. The truth is, I was still sort of sleepy and the rooms where cold _[well for someone in their pants only, at any rate]_ and, somehow, I felt myself turning to jelly in the embrace as I absently listened to Cara blabbering, serving tea, placing some pastel carton boxes on the counter and explaining which of them contained donuts and which French croissants.

_Miles though._

I suddenly remembered his existence and fixed my eyes on him. His expression was that of a person that had just seen the immensity sea for the first time. He seemed in awe but sort of _lost_ , eyes travelling from me to David, to Cara, then me again. He too opened his mouth a few times as to interrupt the female chatterbox by my side but evidently decided against it, bringing his lips together in the end. Overall, I decided he looked somewhat _insecure-_ something that surprised me coming from someone wearing a t-shirt thoroughly bathed in golden glitter.

_Yeah, that plus the infamous tight red jeans._

“Hey!” David suspired in my ear demanding my full attention yet again as he tenderly stroked the inner part of my thighs up and down. Closing my eyes out of reflex, I mildly panicked at how good that felt as I took in his all too irresistible vanilla aroma and, so, proceeded cross my legs in a rush, accidentally kicking Miles knee as I did so.

“Sorry” I uttered way too high-pitched and blinked maniacally as I reached for a croissant. Flushing, I hurriedly expressed my contrasting opinion on Cameron, cutting short Cara’s crushing monologue on him.

“Well I gotta go to work, it was nice meeting you people. Alex would you…?” Miles pointed at the door as he went to take his _green!_ coat from the hall stand. I struggled to walk out of David’s firm embrace but finally I stood face to face with Miles at the doorway; stooping, still terrible ashamed of my lack of clothes.

“That…I…” I sighed, scratching the back of my neck at a complete loss of words.

“Just don’t do _anything_ you don’t _fully_ want to, okay?” He emphasized, friendly patting my shoulder.

_He surely thinks I’m a gay slut by now._

“Yea sure nothing will…I mean…it’s just…” I wasn’t quite able to arrange my thoughts. After all, I couldn’t trust myself anymore. If anyone had told me, an hour ago, that now I’d be truly enjoying sitting on this guy’s lap as he caressed my too sensitive skin I’d have told them to fuck off and yet…

_Yet I did._

“Well then say ‘no’ _clearly_.  Speak up; you should always put your feelings and needs before everyone else’s in this situation. I’ll see ya on Friday. Take care, _Al._ ” He waved his hand and, not waiting for a reply, rushed down the stairs, out of my sight in a flash.

I swallowed hard.

“Al” I felt Cara’s warm hand on my back “I actually have to go too, don’t worry David will keep you company _[she winked, my god]_. Thanks for the delicious tea. By the way, this weekend I’m throwing a huge party in my house so yea, I ‘d better see you there. I’ll text you the address right now _[she took out her Iphone]…_ yep there you go! Well, now we can stay in touch _[he shook her Iphone like a trophy she’d just won]_ See ya then babe, bye!” Cara placed a kiss on my cheek and walked out too, strolling happily to the lift.

I closed the door ever so slow, the click of the lock seemed to last minutes but, finally, everything was silence except for David’s breathing close behind me.

I turned around hesitantly.

_And now what?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *you can find me on tumblr too, i'm 'calmlikemilex' :) x


	7. Chapter 7

“Matthew? I’m gonna speak seriously to ‘im, _Al_. He can’t treat you like tha’ whether you like guys or not- it’s not his business either the band’s.” Miles assured a tad bit dismayed after I got round to explaining to him what had been the matter that night he found me in the bleak empty loo.

“Don’t. Please, it’ll just make things worse.” I pleaded even though the look of conviction in his eyes warned me it was pointless.

“I know what I’m doing, don’t worry. Now, ‘bout that David…he was the guy I saw the following morning in yer apartment…” Miles pointed at me with a dubious expression all over his face.

_Well of course. What, you think I’m hitting on multiple guys in the span of just hours?_

“Yea, ‘bout tha’… what were you doing in my apartment? I mean, I remember you making me smoke pot and then that snazzy car of yours and some… fight?...’bout the seatbelt? That’s as far as my memory kept track of…”

“Spot on. Throwing a sort of languid fit over fastening the belt, you said it you were done with restraints - the same I-feel-suffocated concept appearing yet again, you see - and that you didn’t want ‘tha’ shite any more ye wanted ‘goddamned _carrots_ ’…I dunno if I should take tha’ literally?” He let a little giggle out.

“I ‘ate them. They are so tasteless it’s annoying.” I confessed recalling their nauseous stupid flavour.

“No, not really… if you know ‘ow to prepare them, that is _[are you a chef now, Kane?]._ Anyway, I then coaxed you by promising I was taking you to watch some Wimbledon match right away, which put you really compliant mood _[you clever bastard]…_ and so from there I headed to my place but, given that you were in a sort of sleeping-with-eyes–open state, I decided to take your wallet and keys out of your pockets so that I could take a look at your ID _[creepy, that]_ and well, seeing where you lived wasn’t that far away, I drove you home.”

“And you stayed?” I blurted out nervously. Deep inside, though, I knew Miles wouldn’t be capable of taking advantage of the state I was in.

_Besides, he isn’t even gay._

“Yea, I guess you can say I took that liberty… the thing is I couldn’t leave you _alone, Al_ …not only because you might have woken up sort of confused and possibly got anxious over how it was that you ended up there, but also ‘cause I really didn’t know what the fuck you meant when you said you didn’t want _‘them’_ to find _you_. I supposed it wasn’t a minor thing that got you all worked up like that so, just in case, I decided to stick around, in the living room that is…I mean, I helped you yawning stumbling mess to get into bed and I myself stayed out there, on that bonny grey velvet couch watching some crappy yet hilarious sci-fi movies.”

_How nice of you._

“Oh!…umm…okay. Thanks… _for everything_. I didn’t mean to spoil your night out, I’m so fookin’ sorry...If only I hadn’t sent your liquor flying, you wouldn’t have known I was there; such an awful coincidence… ”

“I’m glad you spilt my drink, _Al_.” He emphasised somberly, nodding slightly.

_How am I even supposed to take that?_

_“_ Now, back to this David guy…I don’t mean to pry Al, it just proves important for my professional analysis of your anxiety episodes. Things _did_ happen between you two: kissing, from what you’ve told me and, well, I saw you myself acting _peculiarly loose_ around him. Have you had a sort of epiphany regarding your sexual identity?” He asked raising an eyebrow as he examined my face expectantly.

_Wanna know a secret?_

_I made a mistake._

“I…Can’t we like…talk later? I could really use some peace of mind right now.” I gasped while shuffling on the chair, feeling remarkably uncomfortable all of a sudden. Next, I laid my folded arms on the desk, and resting my profile on them, I fixed my gaze on those stupid splashy irregular-shaped spots covering a big canvas some snobby modernist would regard _a work of art._

“No, _Al_. Then we’ll move on to hypnosis then, now sit up and answer me.”

I stayed on the same position, too embarrassed to look at him as I confessed the truth.

“There’s not much to say really…I…I slept with him…But I didn’t like it, _at all_ , so… I dunno… Am I gay? Am I straight? Who the hell knows! I’m tired of people. I should buy some fluffy cats… I had a white one…”

“But you _wanted_ to sleep with him, ‘right?” He cut me short in a harsh tone.

“Yea, well, everything went smooth ‘till we sort of like… got naked and… then I wasn’t getting _the feeling_ anymore but yea, it wasn’t like I could back off so _[I coughed, ashamed to the core]…_ It didn’t last long, though…”

“Alex!” Miles grumbled and hit the table with his hands and, taken aback by the vibration, I immediately sat up.

“What?” I yelled as I rubbed my face in despair.

“I told ye to say _no_! You can always say ‘ _no’_ if you change your mind. If he doesn’t stop, punch him in the face and repeat it till he bloody get it. Your wishes matter too, _Al_ , for god’s sake!” He spitted out sounding fiercely exasperated and bitter.

“Oh give me a break you _Schwarzenegger_ , that’s so not real life!… For me, at least, it was better to just get it over with than to have a potential argument about it. I wanted to _try_ too and this is the way I have always known…I _push myself_ into things, or _let_ myself get pushed. If I didn’t, I’d be consumed by every little thing I’m afraid of and never do _anything_ at all.” I concluded with a deep sigh, sensing already a disturbing revolting sensation in the pit of my stomach.

“That depends on what you push yourself into, _Al_. Be reasonable _[you serial puncher shut up!]_ , sex is _not_ among the things you should push yourself or let anybody push you into. I mean, if you weren’t into it in the foreplay you _certainly_ weren’t going to be into it then. You didn’t face your fears there, _Al_. Your biggest fear was speaking up…and, in a way, _I get it_ , your very friends have been treating you badly and you’re sick of being _rejected_ but still this thing you did is…you added an _incredibly convenient_ trauma to your general frustrated and anxious state. I thought…you were so close to finally opening up and…”

_You’re disappointed with me, huh?_

_Join the club._

“I couldn’t! However …it’s alright; it just wasn’t what I’d expected. I didn’t exactly derive pleasure from it but it didn’t cure me for good either…I wish I were traumatised, at least I wouldn’t be _still_ having…” I stopped straightaway, realising I’d let myself get carried away by feelings and not reason.

“Finish that sentence, _Al_.”

_Wet dreams about you._

“Anxiety” I said the first thing that came to mind.

_Oh, the bitch is everywhere._

“How’s that, _precisely_? How a trauma like that would help you in any freakin’ way to get better when your very problem here is that you can’t accurately canalise your nagging homosexual feelings?” He steeply raised his tone and smashed the table with his fist as he leaned towards me.

Feeling overwrought, I stood up and stomped across the room.

“I don’t know” I threw my hands up, painfully exhausted by all this analysing of the motives behind my dumb actions. “I don’t know! Wanna punch me? Do it I…I’m so… stupid! so…I” I began to sob quietly, hiding my face with my trembling hands.

“Hey, no. No, no please don’t cry _Al_. The last thing I want to do is to hurt you…God, I’m behaving so unprofessionally with you lately; please do forvige me. Here, have some tissues.” He cooed, rushing to my side and handing a shitty box to me.

“I don’t want your fucking tissues _Kane_.” I hissed increasingly agitated as I slapped his hand, sending the box flying away “I _need_ to feel calm, enough with the talking, _please_. I can’t take it any longer. _Please_.” I begged, stressing every word desperately. Eyes remained fixed on the carpet as I washed away my tears with my rough woolly cuffs.

His hand patted my left shoulder and I took that as the so longed cue to move over to the sofa.

“ _Yea_ of course,you don’t need to…No, stay here you’re not sitting yet _[he grabbed me softly by my arm, stopping me on my tracks]_. Don’t try to hold back the impulse to weep, there’s nothing to be ashamed of; if you need to cry, _cry_ I promise you’ll soon be wonderfully carefree _Al_. Okay, lift your chin up…that’s it. Now, for this induction to work it is vital that you follow my instructions as _quickly_ as you can without thinking about, analysing, or verbally questioning them. I say, you do, _okay_?” Miles explained, foot persistently tapping on the floor.

_You don’t seem very composed too, you know._

I nodded eagerly.

“Alright close your eyes then… _perfect_ ; fold your arms now and raise them 90 degrees…just about there _[brushing by wrist with his smooth palm]._ Start rotating them around each other _Al_ , in a circle…that’s it, a little bit faster... now reverse direction ... slower!...reverse direction... reverse I said _[I huffed, mildly annoyed by this shit]_...faster now…reverse again... faster…faster Al!... slower… very very slow… _don’t stop_ , reverse direction... no the other way round _[ugh!]…_ faster... concentrate!...slower… reverse di…faster, c’mon!…sssfaster...faster!...”

_‘Sleep!’_ He commanded determinedly at last, gently cupping and pushing my neck forward.

_Oh yes fucking please._

Automatically, my arms dropped down heavily, and I sighed in relief and my body leant clumsily forward, apparently way too weak now to hold my own little weight.

_I’m falling, I’m so falling._

“Don’t panic, I got you.” Miles sensibly locked an arm around my waist and positioned a hand on the very centre of my chest. He let his chin rest lightly on my shoulder. “Shhh it’s _okay_ , you feel exceptionally good now in trance, not having to move your arms or anything. You were just _dying_ to give up control and now oh _Al_ … you feel utterly relaxed and safe doing so with me _[yes]_ Just keep following my soothing voice and comply, there’s no reason not to. You know that. Now, I want to bring all your sensory attention here: _[he pressed his hand delicately]_ your chest _Al_. I know at the moment you feel your body _achingly_ heavy for you to hold and it’s _fine_ , you’re right _Al_ , it really is a burden and you’d feel so much _better_ without it. Give up control of it too, it’s _absolutely_ _okay_ …c’mon _Al_ , just allow the weight to rest in my hand, feel this relaxed state deepen as you do so…yea just like that, keep going…let your head hang loose too _Al, trust me_ , the more you let go the calmer you will feel. ”

I literally couldn’t feel my legs or arms now, just one hand in between my scapulae pushing my upper body forward and while the other remained buried passively, but firm on my chest, somehow supporting my new extreme hunched up position.

“You’re doing really good, _Al_ ” He whispered in my ear “Stay like this.”

I regained some sensitivity for a sec, enough to feel his pressing hand gone an instead an arm wrapped around my waist again.

“Don’t try to get it back _Al_ , your efforts will be _all in vain_. In fact, every time you try to, you’ll just go deeper and deeper into this total submission state. You know you aren’t in command of your own body and mind anymore and that pacifies you in a way you haven’t ever thought possible. Now, I want your brain to picture vividly that specific moment you realised you didn’t actually want to have sex with David. Yes, I feel your heart racing but that’s as far as this goes, there’s no body you can tense…Concentrate exclusively on how you felt back then: nervous, scared, confused, ashamed, _anxious_ …feel it the only way you can do it now, right in your chest, try to keep your breathing normal, that’s it…and now, as with your weight, leave it to my hand. Yes, you can do that _Al_ , feel it all slip through your skin, shirt and sweater onto my hand…yes let your falling don’t worry you. Breathe in…”

His hand promptly moved down and my body helplessly followed, giving me a piercing vertigo sensation.

_I don’t want to crack my head open on the floor._

“Out!”

Miles swiftly pushed my chest up with great force and I heard myself elicit a _loud_ shrill moan as I was straightened up. But it wasn’t sexual in the slightest, _I swear_. I couldn’t even feel my lips! It was pure relief only…Like they were gone, instantly, all those messy feelings with that uniquely deep exhalation. Miles hand lay still glued to my chest, holding my upright but limp self.

“There you go, _see_ , it’s out now. Embrace this state _Al_. You’re supremely relaxed now with my help. All that happened with David that morning is in the past and it _can’t_ affect your being. You don’t let it do so because you _crave_ this state; you really want to feel composed and now you know how to. Let’s go again, think about how uncomfortable you felt then, _Al_ , how it hurt, how you wanted it all to be over already…and just drop it all on my hand, the quicker you do so the nicer you’ll feel…good _Al_ , breathe in now _[I felt cold air pinching my bare neck as I rapidly fell]_ Out!”

Again, a whimper seemingly escaped my numb lips but I honestly felt no shame whatsoever. I was more than happy to be able to get rid of whatever those awful, acid, itchy and excruciating sensations were.

“Your weight on me _Al_. C’mon, _relax_ , I know it feels really pleasant to fully rely on me to hold you. Focus on your anxiety now, all those little things that compose it down on my hand…out _Al_ , it feels so relieving you simply _can’t_ stop it all from flowing out of you: worries, fears, obsessions… just give it all to me and let yourself get carried away…breathe in _[falling]…_ out! _[sighing gloriously]..._ In again _[down]_ …out _![up and oh-so-supple]_... Breathe in _[gravity pulling strong]_ …out, out _Al_ ; awake!”

Suddenly, I opened my eyes to a mildly shivering body, serene breathing and eyes filled with salty tears.

I felt Miles’ hands on either side of my waist, moving leisurely up and down, caressing my prominent ribs. I was still not facing him.

“Easy, move your feet and arms a bit. How are you feeling, _Al_?” He inquired in a barely audible whisper.

“Out of this world.” I answered sincerely as I obeyed and proceeded to shake my groggy limbs. I was silently crying out of true happiness, of the intensity of this so needed alleviation. Miles was right yet again… I was indeed sorely affected by that experience with David, I only hadn’t realised how such perturbing feelings had clung to my insides until I felt it all _out_. I was overwhelmed with calm and real bliss, feeling gloriously light-headed…who the hell needed drugs when you can have him?

_Him_

Slowly, I turned on my heels and drowsily purred a quiet ‘thank you’.

“I apologise for making you shed tears once again. Hopefully it was worth it?” Miles brushed his knuckles softly on my chin drying some wetness away.

_We’re so close._

_Maybe it’s all just one more dream._

Not giving it a second thought, I quickly leaned in and, placing my hands around his neck, I kissed Miles hungrily. His lips were apart yet his teeth wouldn’t let my tongue in. He was as still as a rock and, admittedly, I was just about to pull away defeated when at last, as I forced my way into his mouth for a fifth time, his teeth moved and actually bit my tongue playfully, sucking it in and at once taking control of the kiss as he drew me closer to his body. It was a short lived sort of passion, though, ‘cause some minutes after I reverted to my reasonable self and pulled back in a flash.

“No! What am I doing!?…I’m sorry, god I don’t know what came over me. I just…shit!” I choked on my words and stepped back, eyes fixed on my ragged white adidas trainers, as my face surely turned scarlet.

“I know though, no need to fret, it’s called _delayed consciousness_. When coming abruptly back from such a deep state of hypnotic sleep during which, obviously, your subconscious is grandiosely set free, some people are prone to experience some minutes during which their subconscious still rules over them even though they are supposedly awake and alert. Many methods are used specially in the FBI and CIA to get suspicious people to this particular state and know their _true intentions_. Yours, it appears to me, ar…”

_OH FUCK!_

“Shush, I get it. Okay I… yea, well, I may be confusing things since I’m sort of having a sexuality crisis?...I… _yes_ …I might have some sort of platonic stupid crush on you but please think of it as a child’s nonsense I’m just…” A finger was pressed on my slippy and swollen lips

“ _Al_ , I like you too.”

_Oh?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this chap!  
> As always, any feedback is truly appreciated :) x
> 
> *you can also find me on tumblr,  
> i'm calmlikemilex.*


	8. Chapter 8

He pleaded with me to stay for dinner. ‘You were my last visitor today, Al’ he said.

I had accepted his offer out of sheer curiosity and expected politeness.

_It’s not everyday someone so hot and supposedly straight admits they like me and offers to feed my angry stomach as a bonus._

All in all, it was _good_. I mean, the food was absolutely superb and he did manage to make his point on the ‘carrots’ matter: they indeed tasted nice when full of cheese…who would have guessed that? The thing is…I felt on edge the whole time. Like Miles would be speaking about how much he loved classical music or why he thought Queen was the best band to ever exist for including orchestras in their music and this tingling feeling would stir in my stomach as if telling me it was _all wrong_ , this whole situation. Anyway, we both found out that we actually have a lot of things in common: from favourite guitar solos ever to apocalypse’s theories, we pretty much held similar- if not identical views. He made most of the talk but still I felt comfortable when it was my turn to speak because he gave me _time_ and his eyes while on me, didn’t look at all demanding or judgemental. On the contrary, they exuded attentiveness, like he really cared what I had to said- even if it took me an hour to put my chaotic thoughts into words. He also didn’t interrupt me, not even once. Those two little details probably moved more in me than the kiss I had shamefully given him. It felt astonishingly comforting knowing that, for a change, my interaction with people could be truly reciprocal.

Nighttime setting in, I expressed my wish to start on my return home- on my own. I really felt like walking down some silent streets so as to let this whole turn of events sink in.

“But it’s _cold Al_. What’s more, I have my car parked in the building’s garage it is no trouble at  
all to drop you off at your place.” He insisted, combing my hair back ever so slowly. I was already in the hallway, he leaned on the doorframe, adopting a slouching position.

“You really enjoy toying with my messy stands, huh?” I replied leaning in and readily smooching his cheek with a silly laughter threatening to slip out my lips at any moment.

He withdrew his wandering hand immediately and pulled back.

“Well, yea your brownish hair is very… _touchable_ ” Miles tilted his hair in sort of admiration of my unkempt mane.

“ _Touchable_ you said?” I lowered my gaze and let my hand trickle down his sinewy torso then up again all the way to his shoulder. I patted it and looked at his puzzled expression before leaving.

“Night, Mi” I concluded and walked out.

 

\---------------

For the first time in a very long time, arriving at my precious apartment didn’t feel _that_ great. I mean, I wouldn’t have minded staying with Miles longer but yea I had been getting unreasonably flirtier and flirtier- and in all sincerity I’m not sure what that would have led to. Moreover…yes, I really don’t want to boost the whory mental image he doubtlessly already has of myself.

My phone buzzed in my jacket startling me a bit.

‘safe & sound? wanna go out someplace this weekend, just us?’

‘yea x2’ I replied with a big smile plastered on my face. I never thought such cliché stuff could affect me to the point of staring at the bright screen for minutes before answering and whispering to myself _‘he’s asking me out on an official date, he’s bloody asking **me** out!’_

_\--------------_

Two weeks later we were officially dating. ‘Officially’ meaning that we weren’t truly seeing anyone else but publicly…oh, publicly I was still dating Chung and causing a sort of a ‘sensation’ worldwide. We had made it past the music/fashion magazines and now we were recognized by tons of gossip ones and on the internet too we were going viral as the ‘hottest couple of the year’…what a honour! Honestly, I was at this point wondering what exactly went wrong with humanity to make a stupid silly couple have more presence in the media than the disasters that were taking place because of climate change but yea Richard and the monkeys were pleased, and if they were pleased, then it all was _fucking okay_. Anyway, near my one month anniversary of dating Mi, the monkeys’ cd was finally released and the breaking up with Alexa left _‘for the next one’-_ as Richard had put it. Due to our singles rapid success on the British charts, I was practically running across town, jumping from one interview to another. Quickly, I became strained and worn thanks to the pressure to give all the ‘desired’ answers regarding my current _fakefriend_ and getting asked stupid, hollow things about my music. Not to mention the anxiety that built up when I was met with exasperated stares those times I’d suddenly find myself mid-sentence with no apparent way to continue to express what I wanted to in the first place.

Now, in only forty minutes, I was supposed to have the most important and transcendental one, with the goddamned BBC. It was expected to go on for a solid 40 minutes at least, and god I was freaking out in _my_ changing room.

_I can hardly go through the 10-minutes ones._

_If only he weren’t working…_

_I should phone him, though. Just hearing his voice would help._

_\-----------_

“Hey babe” Miles whispered sneaking inside this confined hell, cautiously closing the door behind him. I was already dressed up, with my that annoying make-up on. At present, I had only 15 minutes to spare.

“Mi, I’m scared” I gestured for him to sit beside me on the couch. “It’s too long, I’ll run out of words and they’ll think I’m positively dumb. I see how they look at me, I know… ” My voice broke as my pulse sped up.

“No _Al_ , don’t think that way.” He snugged me closer to his body and kissed the crown of my head as he stroked my arm fondly. “You have a very rich vocabulary, that’s all. If they can’t appreciate that, then shame is on them _love_. If you find yourself really stuck on something just pass it on to other monkey: ‘hey Matt/Jamie/Nick, what’re yer thoughts on it?’… you certainly will do great, _please_ stop worrying. Actually, I could help you with that… happen to fancy a little hypnosis now?” He asked goodheartedly.

“I fancy _you_ ” I replied breathlessly and moved carefully over his lap, legs hanging astride. “Kiss away my nerves, would you?” I pushed his nape forward with shaking limbs till our foreheads were pressed lightly against each other.

“Sure” He smirked brushing my nose with his and, closing the filled-with-itching-static air gap, crashed his lips on mine with real fervour. I simply let myself slowly melt as his tongue crept between my teeth, claiming dominance, and his open hands slide down my back. Finally reaching my waist, he pushed up the hem of my shirt and gripped hard at my skin digging his nails deep. I suspired at the sudden discomfort and he took the chance to deepen the kiss even more.

_He made it seem so easy, taking control, it came naturally to him._

Needless to say, my worries were past forgotten now and all I cared about was making him feel as turned on as I was. With that in mind, I hurriedly groped for his shirt and when the first glorious stud came undone he abruptly recoiled.

_Oh there we go stopping me again. I’m starting to think you don’t want me at all._

“I think we'd better leave it here. Your interview is in just minutes _Al_ ”

“I just wanted to caress you, _you twat_! Sure you pull up my shirt all you want and I can’t even get past one bloody stud.” I whined cheekily, grabbing his hands by the wrist and throwing them his direction, off my hips.

“I just…you’re _easily excitable_ and I don’t want to leave you all frustrated babe.”

“Oh thank you so much for putting a stop to my inherent neediness, you’re such a gent _Kane_. Bit delusional though ‘cause we were just kissing god, it’s not a big deal, I mea…” I raised my tone still shocked at what his former words truly conveyed.

_I’m not easy, I just really like you._

“Look at your legs” He interrupted; eyes wide, head nodding a few times- as if daring me to do so.

Only when dropping my stare did I realise I was unconsciously squeezing his thighs together with my legs.

“Yeah not that relaxed, huh?” He stroked my tights gently and then helped me get off him. By his side again, I was overcome with a wave of horrible insecurity.

“Is it because you don’t personally want to deal with it?”

“Wait…what!?”

“My excitation” I emphasised looking straight at his brilliant face and probably turning every shade of red there exists.

“No _you fool_ , it’s just not...”

“2 minutes Turner.” Someone shouted, knocking loudly at the door.

“…the right moment.” Miles finished pointing at the door as if that explained completely everything.

“Sure” I replied in a rather ironic tone and stood up. I just kept getting more and more convinced he just didn’t want me _that way_.

Ready to leave, I stepped to the door with a bitter taste in my mouth. Turning the handle, I was just about to walk out when _Mi_ hugged me tightly from behind.

“I just want it to be special” He purred in my ear, sultrily slurring the last word.

‘I just want it to _be_ _already_ ’ I replied in a single breath.

‘I know, just try and be patient. I promise you it’ll pay off.” He placed some warm sloppy kisses on my neck and just when I was starting to really enjoy them he skilfully scurried out, gone with the flow of people at once.

_Oh, ‘you know’, how nonchalant of you._

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this chap!  
> By now you know any feedback is greatly appreciated:) x
> 
> *you can also find me on tumblr,  
> i'm calmlikemilex *


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lengthy chap ahead yay!
> 
> Enjoy the calm before the storm ;) 
> 
> THANKS FOR ALL THE KUDOS AND CUTE COMMENTS YOU'RE ALL SUCH SWEETHEARTS ILY <3 x

_One month_

Today was our little anniversary. I still couldn’t believe more than a week had gone by since this couple thing started; time really went fast when by his side. Miles was just so _unlike_ anyone else I had ever known… I mean, simply the fact that he’s a hypnotist gave him this kind of enigmatic aura and his peculiar way of dressing just stretched that impression further. He was extremely fascinating too, it was virtually impossible to get bored when _Miles_ was around: he could well plan a night out at this vintage cute little restaurants as well as one at the ‘zombies’ maze of death’ in a nearby amusement park. Honestly, I never knew what to expect from him and while that did trigger some anxiety at first, now it just felt thoroughly exhilarating because I truly trusted him- past the professional thing, as a person. I had come to realise that he cared for my well-being in a _genuine_ way, no underhand intentions attached to his actions. Like that time at the cinema when, hurriedly coming back from the loo, I stupidly tripped over some popcorns and fell headfirst on the stairs…it was a pretty humiliating thing and half the people in the room were laughing at me still _Mi_ came to pick me up and asked if I had injured myself. Now, he could have just stayed on his seat and ask when I got there yet, instead, he took me to the hospital straightaway. I remember insisting on staying and how he just went on repeating ‘hitting your head hard is a dangerous thing _Al_ , we’re not risking that for a stupid film’…the very same film he had been obsessing over for weeks before its premiere and staying late with eyes glued on the pc screen to get the best seats.

My hypnosis sessions had continued, but it really got increasingly difficult not to take his every statement and order in a sexual way. I mean, it’s not like before I didn’t get excited but now oh… from the very moment he purred ‘sleep’ I was a mess of longing. For this reason I now woke up a lot, breaking the trance to start instead a hot make out session that always ended the same way:

‘Sleep’ He would suddenly shout pushing me back on my spot.

‘…with me’ I would reply opening my eyes as fast as they had closed and pulling him close to me.

At those occasions, he would get mildly annoyed and say that I needed to keep my hormones at bay, that if I kept not taking things seriously, he would have to send me to another hypnotist. Appalled by that perspective, I’d usually apply myself but still it was tough. I just didn’t understand what fixation he had with _waiting_.

_Did he enjoy seeing me all flustered and agitated when his embraces lasted a little too long?_

_Wasn’t he **so** against this whole frustration problem I had? _

_Now, what the fuck is he doing by making me wait but feeding it?_

_I need a relief._

_He’d better has something in mind tonight ‘cause I as hell do._

_\------------_

_Late, late, late._

My poor baby had had an exhausting day- at least that’s what he told me when I got to his place at the expected hour and he was still among five frying-pans, desperately turning the heat to maximum.

It was _delicious_ , he had prepared this sort of wok-seared mix that consisted of spaghetti, chicken and tons of unknown spicy colourful things. I loved the feeling of all those mysterious semicircles in my tongue.

“I supposed you would enjoy that, seeing as the delicate flavour of carrots goes unnoticed by your badass palate.” He winked when I shivered and giggled while swallowing a yellow one.

“Excuse me, but I’m all delicate. Dunno wha’cha talking ‘bout” I feigned offence and averted my gaze from his amused face.

‘Of course you are. In fact, with that in mind, I bought you this.’ He announced taking a little velvet bag out of his jean pocket and handing it to me. I had already finished eating but still a lump formed in my throat at the sight of it.

_All I had bought is a bottle of champagne for us both, I didn’t fancy he’d be into presents._

“Open it while I clean up, _okay_?” Miles encouraged me, getting on his feet to clear the table.

‘Wait I’ll help you’ I wanted to say but I was utterly frozen, watching the present my hand held in awe.

“C’mon” He patted my back on his third trip back to the kitchen- he had already put down the flute glasses and presumably went to fetch the champagne.

At last, I found the courage to open it and god my surprise was considerable when I saw a necklace with a green pendulum-shaped rock hanging from it. Taking a closer look you could see the various shades of green the uncut gem contained and I started worrying over how much it would have cost him.

“Like it?” He asked excitedly once again sitting opposite me. The glasses were full of golden liquid now and I felt plain bad.

_I’m such a shitty boyfriend, not buying you anything when you obviously would deserve it more._

“It’s truly dainty but _Mi_ … I…This was surely pretty expensive and I didn’t even…I didn’t even buy you a thing… god, it totally slipped my mind! I’m so getting you summat tomorrow, you deserve a cute present too, I’m so sorry babe.” I stammered totally embarrassed by my lack of previous thought on the matter.

“Don’t worry; your dating me is gift enough _[now are you drunk or what? It’s exactly the other way around. I’m the lucky one here]_ And regarding the price…it was cheap _Al_ , but that’s not the point- I would buy you a mountain of diamonds for all I care about money. The real value lies in what it is; that rock is a green quartz and I’ve been informed by a some friends I have in the crystal-therapy field that that rock is absolutely the queen of peace and tranquillity. Presently, I don’t recall exactly all its many properties, you can look them up online if you want details, but from all the personal experiences they told me they had with it, I figured it would help you a lot to control your emotions.” He explained with dedication.

“Oh that’s very considerate from you. I’m feeling calm now though so…” I trailed off still absently watching the stunning gem.

“I know. I know you normally feel that way around me but I’m not with you 24/7 and, as stupid as it may sound, it kills me to know that while I’m helping random people relax you may be somewhere getting all terribly stressed-out because of those interviews, the promotion photo campaigns or whatever shit the label puts you up to. I mean, I know a worry-free life is a utopia but, all the same, I want you to get as close to it as you can. I’m not the solution, no matter how good you feel around me. You have to find peace in yourself that what hypnosis and this is little rock all about. I just want to help you feel good with yourself and therefore not being so affected by what those surrounding you say or do.”

_Can’t stop the blushing, stop being so goddamn sweet._

“You’re really nice thanks I’ll definitely use it then.” I murmured in a grateful tone, setting it down on the table, and proceeded to raise the crystal glass.

“Happy anniversary, _Mi_ ” I cheered clicking my cup with his.

“Happy anniversary, _love_ ” He replied and we both gulped the champagne in one go.

_And now?_

_Please, please, please!_

“So?” I questioned raising an eyebrow and staring at him intently.

“Well I guess today, for being a special occasion…”

_YES!_

“You will let me drive you home.” He dared fucking smile at me.

“No!” I whined exasperated “Tonight’s the night _Mi_ , they is no denying it” I emphasised in a convincing voice as my palm hit the table once and then moved forward to point at him. “Tonight!”

Suddenly, he started laughing like a hyena as he rapidly stood up and came to sit on the table close to me.

“Well aren’t you an adorable creature? I’m just messing with you babe. Yes, _tonight Al_.” He licked his lips very seductively and not giving me time to answer grabbed my hand and got me on my feet.

“Let me guide you” He breathed, turning me around and placing his magical hands on my eyes.

I moved carefully, following all his instructions and when we came to a stop my heart seemed just about to jump out of my chest. I heard the handle being turned.

_Oh god, it’s finally happening!_

As soon as I heard the door creaking, I attempted to rush forward but Miles’ hand on my chest stopped me.

“Hey, _easy_ , try not to have a heart attack before we even get started.” He stroked that throbbing area of my upper body gently and he was already positively _killing me_.

Not bearing the suspense a minute longer, I shoved his hand away from my eyes and… _wow_.

For starters, there was this mist on the floor very much like the one when I go on stage and, hanging sideways on the walls, there were this kind of vintage candelabrums holding brilliant flickering flames. What’s more, the big bed in the centre of the room was peppered with petals of jasmines, one of my favourite flowers ever. It all looked so well-planned… I mean, there’s mist on the floor coming from under the bed, this is surreal!

_And so cosy._

“You once told me you liked the aroma of that foggy stuff” He whispered in my ear.

“Yes… yes I do, this is perfect, Mi… _perfect_!” I turned on my heels and kissed him on impulse. He locked his arms around my waist and holding me up a bit stepped inside, closing the door behind him.

_I’m a doll to you, pulling me up down as if it were nothing. You just do and I’ll comply._

Once my feet were on the floor again, a crazy thought crossed my mind and I giggled on reflex. Opening my eyes, I saw miles eyes move lazily from my gaze down to my lips- like he couldn’t decide which one needed his attention most.

“What?” He asked in a funny high-pitched tone.

“Nothing” I now resumed the hook up and let my hands travel all the way to his waist and once there I pushed him towards the bed.

Stumbling, he fell back and shot me a surpriseslashscared look as I positioned myself above his lap.

“Oh babe you look _so hot_ from here. I’m indeed privileged to have this sight of you while you get it.” I quickly leaned it to snog him ‘cause god that came out hilarious and laughing would have sent it all to hell.

He tensed up [yep!] and pushed me back just enough to scan my expression in search of any signs that may tell him I was merely kidding.

_Keep a straight face, c’mon!_

“ _Al_ , I’m not a bottom” He stated in a fragile voice looking at me completely puzzled and expectant. It took _everything in me_ not to crack right there and tell him the truth.

“Oh, I’m not either.” I replied in the most nonchalant voice I could put on. His eyes grew wide like a puppy that had just lost his babies. I was such an awful person, god I was going to rot in hell.

_But it was so so fun, watching him get all uncomfortable like this._

“But I thought you… _Al_ you’re a top?” He stuttered and squinted at me, confusion written all over his celestial facial features.

“Well of course” I spitted out and proceeded to attack his neck with my avid lips as I slowly started grinding myself against him. “Don’t worry, you’ll like it.” I hummed in his ear in the deepest tone I could affect.

Needless to say, by now, I was expecting him to turn us round, tell me to stop bullshitting and at once start having his way with me.

But his reaction,

_Oh!_

I can’t stress _enough_ the atypical submission with which he elicited those few words…

“Okay. Just…take it _slow_. I’ve never done this before _Al_.” He swallowed hard and I _internally_ froze- my hips had a mind of their own.

He gave me the green light. He! Miles. Controlling, confident, dominant _Mi_ had just agreed to goddamn bottom. And he’s a virgin, my _babe_.

At present, I had a serious conflict of interests. On the one hand, I had never fucked a guy before so yeah… things may not go _very_ smooth. But this unexpected ceding of power! I really couldn’t resist the idea of him giving me the upper hand. I was so accustomed to being the one always giving control up that this felt bracingly thrilling. On the other hand… who the fuck am I trying to lie to? I turn to pulp when he gets all dominant and orders me around. I had been fantasising this moment for so long and none of the possible scenarios I had visualised included this current one.

_Just once, then we’ll go back to normal._

“Sure, sweet _cherry_ ” I slurred fervently.

He slightly wriggled under my hold and I set to undress him. Shirt flying down the bed, I was now taking this seriously. I really _did_ want him to have an enjoyable experience so, hyper-aware of his every expression and move, I pushed his jeans down and when playing with the hem of his pants he plucked at my hair, bringing our faces together.

“Let me help you out of yours first.” I figured he referred to my clothes as his agile fingers roamed my body with enthusiasm. “Off” He finally whispered head buried in my shoulder as he took my last piece of clothing off. Completely naked, I experienced some unexpected shyness and stay quiet for a while- just running my tongue along his neck, looking for his most sensitive spot.

“ _Al_ , is everything okay?” He questioned and I noticed his lashes falling just when my tongue moved _there_. So _there_ I sank my teeth deep. He moaned loudly and that sound was fuel enough to bring back my conviction to go ahead with this. Moving south, I pulled his pants down at once and was met with his boner. I almost leaned in to suck him but then decided against it.

_Sucking is submissive._

So I just ordered him to get me vaseline and condoms. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and looked at me holding the things himself. His face conveyed both eagerness and apprehension.

“Here” He handed them over in the end, hands slightly shaking.  
_  
Yes shaking!_

“Babe, it’s fine. Trust me, I _won’t_ hurt you.” I caressed his bony hipbones slowly with my thumbs and then proceeded to pour that sticky substance in my fingers.

_The more, the better? I’m such an inexpert, god help me._

_Exhaling deep, he finally relaxed his thighs and I softly push them open._

_“Ready?”_ I asked wanting to make sure he was 100% okay with this.

 _Mi_ nodded.

Very slowly, two of my fingers found their way through his entrance and started moving gently in and out.

“See, it feels _fine_.” I smiled his way while fondling his thigh with my free hand.

“Strange” He corrected and closed those stunning woody eyes.

I added a third finger; then a fourth and when I saw him really start to loosen up - legs opening more and more, lips parted, fringe turning damp- I took my chance and thrust in fast, my face hovering now just inches above his as I propped myself on his shoulders. Not expecting my sudden move at all, he winced a bit as whimper escaped his mouth- timidly but audible.

I stayed put waiting for him to adapt to this new sensation.

“This you call _slow_ ” He panted smiling and looking at me with dreamy eyes.

“Look, think of this as a plaster on your skin. Take it off slowly and it’ll hurt like a bitch. Now, if done in a breath you don’t even have time to process pain.” I reasoned as I tried to move a bit but he was way too narrow. Because he was tense. Yeah as stiff as steel he was.

“Oh I can’t believe I’m saying this to you now but just try to relax” I leaned in to reassure him with a kiss, hands delicately caressing his ribs. He was remarkably slow so my thirsty mouth was able to easily predict his tongue’s every movement and subsequently thwart them with my own. Eventually, he stopped trying and my tongue raided his mouth with determination. His body seemed to follow his mouth and just to give another little incentive my hands found their way onto his lovely plump buttocks and fondled them carefully, spreading them open bit by bit.

“Move already!” He pleaded, breaking the kiss in a rush. On hearing that, my lips gave way to _a crooked smirk_ that reflected just how damn accomplished I felt.

_Look who’s the needy one now!_

“’K” I suspired and did so. Cautiously at first, I switched angles looking for that sweet spot that I knew would make him experience pure bliss.

“AAAAAAAAL!” He suddenly screamed and, realising I’d just found it, I picked up speed and witnessed, with total devotion, his jerky movements and baby cries as I kissed his collarbones neck, cheeks, hair…everything but his swollen red mouth. Those sounds he was making weren’t meant to be stopped, at any rate.

Holding back really was a pretty difficult thing with his natural tightness, voice and constant plucks at my hair but I somehow managed to.

“Touch me…Al, please! I’m so..CLOSE.” He wheezed a proper mess right now.

“Oh _Mi_ , are you?”I teased combing his hair back to look directly at his eyes.

“Open your eyes” I demanded.

He did.

“Here?” I innocently sang, gripping roughly his length.

“Ah, yea. Yea _Al_ , jusssst there.” He agreed obediently holding my gaze and I hurried up ‘cause I was way too near too.

“Eyes open, come for me _Mi_. C`mon don’t you close them…that’s it. You have such beautiful eyes _babe_. Let it go. C’mon!” I encouraged using some of his trademark phrases as I jerked him off hurriedly.

“Oh Al! AL!” He whimpered trying to break free from my hold, scratching my shoulders and chest repeatedly, but, overall, his attempts were all too weak to actually achieve anything. His eyes became a tiny oval as he came, but they didn’t quite close. All this happening before me proved more than enough to send me over the edge as well. Soon I was climaxing too, blinking, shivering and gasping ‘Mi god!’ before colliding over his muscular chest.

Gradually regaining some earthly senses, I pulled back and throwing the condom off at a very conveniently located-by-the-bed bin I rolled onto the other side of the bed, breathing heavily still.

I peered at Miles. He had his eyes closed and was drawing air in from his parted wet lips.

“Feeling good?” I inquired sheepishly, brushing his rosy cheek lightly with my knuckles.

“Yea, you did great _love_.” He answered in a breath rubbing his face lazily. “You; finally satisfied, _Al_?”

“It was awesome” I confessed smiling foolishly and yawning.

“Can I be the big spoon, now?” He turned his head to look at me with a spark in his eyes and my smile turned so broad it mildly hurt.

“Of course” I enthused, rolling to face the wall and immediately I felt his warm arms fixed securely around my waist.

‘Night Al’ He whispered pulling a blanket over us. ‘Candles: Off’ He shouted then startling me a bit.

_The candles promptly turned off._

_Oh these posh appliances, I thought that was real fire!_

“Quiet, _love_. Sleep, I’m here.” He soothed me, sweetly kissing my nape.

_I then understood he was back in control, and it felt preciously comforting._

_I was really tired too so it came easy to follow his commands;_

_So easy when feeling his chest rising and falling against your back._

_And his hands lying clasped on your tummy._

_For once life felt less of a chore,_

_And more like a blessing._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, any feedback is truly appreciated!! x
> 
> *you can also find me on tumblr,  
> i'm calmlikemilex :) *


	10. Chapter 10

Seldom had I been in such a good mood when walking in the studio to have a meeting with the monkeys and Richard, _yes_. The thing is, I’ve just probably had the best morning ever: waking up to tangled limbs, I incited Miles to open those beautiful almond-shaped eyes by singing some nonsense I came up with spontaneously and then, while I myself took a very needed shower, he prepared breakfast like he were the head chef in a fancy five-star hotel. As I sat on the elegant chair, drying my hair with a cute little lime towel, Miles swiftly placed cakes, cookies, fruits, toasts, juices and yoghurts on the pearly tablecloth…I think we could well have had 10 more people in and still some food would have remained. I was both shocked and complimented...I mean, all these obviously thought-out stuff really got to me and I couldn’t help but feel somewhat special and lucky.

_But you can only fool fate for so long._

\--------

“I thought I had been straightforward enough, you know…Your name is just _starting_ to ring the ears of Americans, you are still very very far from that worshiped star status which would allow you to go around wearing stilettos and be considered a cool or revolutionary lad. Doing that or any gay shit now equals career suicide and I have also already pretty much emphasised the fact that while your image is the one that truly makes the difference, given that people usually connect with a band through the lead singer, you don’t go solo _dear_. You have a band that has made their wish perfectly clear: they want to become a worldwide acclaimed rock group and if I hadn’t caught this goddamn tape all they would have ever be recognized for is for being that band with the ridiculously frustrated fag lead singer. Just look at this shit _[he pointed at the tape]_ it really couldn’t go worse, that bloke blatantly rejects you…”  
  
Richard started clapping his hands and laughing maniacally with that disgusting harsh voice. I couldn’t quite decide which event was more alarming: the changing room having hidden ‘security’ cameras or Richard ‘keeping an eye on everything’ on the security room. As verbose as ever, he continued to ramble about just how _cunning_ he was to bribe the security bloke, acting it off like he just wanted to give the tape to Miles and me, as anniversary present _[if only he knew that was actually yesterday!]_ and how _painfully_ difficult it was for him not to tell the guys but ‘he was feeling like giving me a last chance’ _[well aren’t you a sugar-filled dwarf? you seem just about to explode due to all the sweetness your body contains!]_

“So I have come up with this root solution I’m convinced the situation calls for. Here and now, I want you to call tha’ Miles fag and break up with him, briefly explaining that the upcoming tour is inevitably tearing you two apart and that you’re not really the type of guy that can maintain long-distance relationships. Say, basically, that you really can’t assure him any form of commitment when going out every night and seeing the prettiest ladies just begging you to fuck them senseless _[I only have eyes for him, you idiot]._ Emphasise the ‘ladies’, ‘cause that’s really all you’re gonna settle for until you make it to the top…oh the irony! Get it?”

I shouted, kicked him, cried, tried to run away but it was ultimately pointless. The security staff pushed me back to the condemned room and there was Richard roaring that if I dared cross the door again not having made the phone call then I could officially consider myself out of the band.

_Please babe don’t pick up, just don’t pi…_

“Al!” Miles’ voice suddenly chimed through the speaker and I swear I saw pleasure in that gnome’s sadistic eyes as I opened my mouth.

“Miles listen” I said in a hushed tone.

“What’s up _babe_?”

Richard held back a laugh.

“I…I haven’t told you _yet_ but hey…this…my tour is coming so this…our thing, like…I can’t do it.” I sighed and swallowed a whimper- still not able to believe what I was doing.

_Why do I have to choose between passions? I love music, sure; but him…my feelings were growing stronger and more complex each passing day._

_It’s not fair._

“Yes you can _Al_ , we’ll figure it out. This is the 21st century, c’mon! There’s Skype and all those apps we can use. _It’ll be fine,_ don’t worry love _._ ” He insisted in that characteristic lovely cheering voice. He was always trying to stay positive, to make things better, to help me with deal with my shit and I…

_I’m going to break your heart in return._

_Just the day after I fucked you._

_Like a proper jerk._

“No, _no_ …Miles, I’ll be gone for a while and…the parties, these easy girls throwing themselves at me…It’s really better for us two to just end this all now. I…It’s for the better… I…”

“Girls? Oh please, what a shitty joke Al!... You’re just kidding, right?…” His voice had an anxious edge to it.

I remained somberly quiet as tears precipitated down my face, despite my resistance to blink.

“Al?” A high pitched semi-cry now.

“No. No, no, **_no_**. What…How can…” I finally heard him sob and it was too much to bear.

I hung up.

\----

Presuming Miles would probably want to talk this thing face-to-face, I fled to my apartment and promptly set to pack my bags. Not caring to even stay for lunch, I hurried down and took a taxi wishing it could just take off and leave me in Mars, away from people. But, instead, I ended up in one of the most crowded areas of the city, checking-in in a boutique hotel. My tour was to start in just three days so I should be able to survive locked in here, lest he finds me. I can’t even begin to imagine his confusion, resentment and _pain_.

_You’ll get over it, over me. I’m just a piece of shit._

_You deserve way better._

Guilt crept in my bloodstream like ice in those ancient wrinkles tree trunks have, paralyzing my every action- including sleep. Those long nights, I would stay up just staring at the ceiling, silently hoping this all to be some bizarre nightmare I would wake up from at any moment, safe in Miles’ warm arms. For some seconds, I would close my eyes and quickly reopen them to check if my surroundings had finally transformed and, when seeing they hadn’t, I would go into a whining fit again. Some person staying in one of the neighbouring rooms even came and knocked at my door, asking if everything was _okay_.

_No my French friend, everything is so not okay._

_It’s total mayhem._

_\------------_

Not surprisingly, I was in very bad shape when the trip started. By norm, I didn’t like window seats when travelling by plane ‘cause I get the real notion of what’s going on, and hell it scares me to think that if the engines happen to fail or whatever, I wouldn’t be able to do anything but wait to die. However, today I was, in a way, relieved to see I had got such seat because it was a single one and the thirty-minute ride to the airport with ‘my friends’ had been positively sufficient to bring back my yearning for solitude.

I was in the process of putting the seatbelt on when I heard someone question:

‘Coffee or tea? As for varieties, we have available green, red, or black.’

Following the voice with my lazy eyes, a male steward gradually came into view. He was standing there beside me, shaking the little plastic cups in the air.

“A green tea would be nice, thanks.” I answered glumly as I fixed my eyes on his violet silk shirt. It wasn’t nearly as refined as Miles’ yet it was enough to bring all my apparently numbed feelings back.

Blowing some air, I waited for the liquid to cool down as my eyes got lost in the little waves the air formed on its surface. And suddenly _it_ hit me.

I still had _his_ present, actually in the very jacket I was wearing right now. Shivering at such realisation, I set the tea down on the arm of my seat and proceeded to look for the pretty gem. The engines started roaring and my hand clutched at the rock in utter desolation.

_I wish things were different._

_I wish you were here by my side assuring me the plane is not falling down, that we are arriving at our honeymoon destination safe and sound. I’d pictured a future with you and now it all looks inevitably drab._

_Because of me, of course._

_It’s all my fault._

High up in the air now, I closed the curtains so as to have some privacy. Next, with shaky fingers, I fixed the delicate necklace around my neck and admired how the rock fell just on the centre of my chest. I inhaled sharply and silently break down: salty irregular drops violently flowing down my face, teeth so sank in my lower lip they drew blood.

_God,_

_what have I done?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> keep the feedback coming, it's super nice to know your personal opinions on my fics!! x
> 
> *you can also find me on tumblr  
> i'm calmlikemilex :) *


	11. Chapter 11

_Hot_

I was sweating yet again at this stupid afterparty shit. It was more than enough for me to get drenched with sweat once a day when performing, I really didn’t want to get all tacky and stinky again yet I could tell it was already happening.

This couple of weeks apart from Miles had been real hell. Only yesterday did the constant phone calls stop and I didn’t quite know if I should feel relieved or worried.

_Is he over me yet?_

_More importantly: do I want him to?_

Nothing had really changed. Or everything, I suppose it depends on how you look at it all. I’m here, physically, but my mind is far away in a world of its own. I daydream when awake and have nightmares when asleep, no pause whatsoever.

 _He_ , I can’t quite shake the feeling of him. His voice, his firm body, his unique meals, his scent… he is overwhelming me even though we’re not even in the same continent.

_He’s absolutely everywhere and my feelings are getting out of hand._

Almost every lad that casually passes me by gets scanned by my restless and illogical eyes.

_He’s not here…_

_You made a decision, stick to it._

Suddenly, I felt a tickling sensation that made me weak at the knees and if I’d been just a tad bit more drunk I’d have probably given in to it and my incredibly overactive imagination _but_ , wanting to at least have a clue about what was going on, I opened my eyes with a lot of effort and came to terms with reality. My body was bent against a corner in the toilet, just some steps away from the sinks, hand skilfully crept in my pants.

_God, not this again._

With feeble determination, I moved my hand away and proceeded to repeatedly hit my head against the edge.

_I can’t find a place to stand. My day consists of missing you, feeling guilty and then lusting over yourself, Miles. This longing is truly asphyxiating and I’m failing enormously to placate it._

My attention was promptly focused again on reality when I heard a soft cough coming from behind me. Startled, I turned around and was met with this medium-sized girl. She was stringy, and very pale- yet had raven hair and a pair of big eyes that matched perfectly her black leather dress.

_Am I in the women’s toilet? Can anything be more fucked up?_

“Sorry… I must have…yea…I’m” I stuttered, hurrying to wash my hands.

“It’s okay.” She said in a surprisingly rich voice. “Don’t stop on my account” Hands still in the basin, I was pushed against that cursed corner again and I was seriously starting to wonder if this wasn’t a mere hallucination of mine. She could well be a female version of _Mi_ …

“I…”

“You were hitting your head against the wall while touching yourself… I saw it with my own eyes, it was quite a _scene_. Oh… don’t blush…what is it? Guilt, pain… sadness?…all of them? You just look so… _frustrated,_ you know.” This girl said in a very firm and distant tone that didn’t seem to match her words at all. Honestly, I just wanted to be alone- my mind struggling to keep its attention on this dimension.

“I really need to go.” I muttered walking past her, but never actually got to the door ‘cause a sudden pain made me stop dead in my tracks. Her nails where pinching hard at the skin of my shoulder. Naturally, a little cry escaped my mouth and I begged her to stop.

“You sure you want that? You may be shrinking, but still I see no attempt at all to push me away. In fact, the majority of people would’ve already squirmed away on instinct; you, however, are all quiet and pleading.”

“Just…”Was all I got to whisper before her hand was gone. I sighed relieved, and when making a step towards the door she roughly grabbed my arm and pulled me back against the wall easily.

_Am I so skinny that a tiny girl can overpower me?_

_Or drunk?_

“See… it felt _nice_ , didn’t it? Sometimes all you really need is a little pain _[she tugged at my hair hard making my head tilt]_. Not many people understand its alleviating qualities, how you can channel just about any negative feeling in one lovely bruise…or two.” She fixed her kajal-outlined eyes on me and I felt a chill run down my spine.

“I…”

“Look, try to slip from my grasp.” She flashed me a smirk while placing her brawny hands on my shoulders. I didn’t really know what was exactly going on still I did as I was told… and it was a bummer. Every time all I would get to take was one small step and, just when I thought she was letting me go, I was pushed against the hard concrete again. It was so annoying I decided to stay put instead.

“Already giving up!? Three times was enough, see…you are a quite receptive type of person.”

“I am _drunk_ ” I slurred rolling my eyes.

“All the same, you may be weaker physically but still your personality shows in these little details. Now, hey!, you should _really_ come with me… I could make you feel so _unbelievably good_ _[she scratched my arm along and, when getting to my hand, twisted my index finger back, ouch!]._ I’ll go easy on you, I swear… you’re obviously a rich baby that never got into a fight in his whole life…That doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be an intense experience for you though, all the contrary…Anyways, think about it, it’s $90 per hour, I’ll be waiting outside by the bar. If I don’t see you there in 10 minutes then…it was nice to meet ya.”

Very casually she turned away and left as inconspicuously as she had come in. My thoughts were really turbulent by then…I was silently questioning many things when, like wood reanimating a wavering fire, I remembered the source of my current misery: _Miles absence_. I needed to get all those messy feelings and fantasies out of my mind.

_I had to try, at least._

_\--------------_

_3 hours it had been._

_$270_

She, Emma, turned out to fetishise inflicting pain, just that-no sex involved whatsoever. And I surprisingly relished it. In many aspects it did provide a needed relief I couldn’t otherwise get- even though now, lying on my own bed, I felt like I had just been run over by a heavy truck. But that was ultimately _great_ …all the aching and burning feelings monopolised my attention in a way that made every other little thing seem trivial in comparison.

_I could really get used to being overwhelmed by this physical pain._

_It’s so much simpler._

_It hurts, yes; but you know the source, you know it’ll eventually go away...it’s ironically comforting._

_And comfort, that I crave._

\-----

Desperately running down the streets I checked my watch once more.

_4 hours._

My plane was leaving and I needed to see this chick one more time- especially after this last awful performance on stage. I fucked up almost every solo and could already hear mild booing at the end of the show. Everybody was horribly inquisitive too regarding my selection of clothes, (turtle neck sweater, jeans and trainers at the height of summer) something that triggered off my anxiety too well. God knows what they’d have all thought if they’d seen as much as my arm.

_I don’t really know what to make of it myself._

_It looks terrible, it hurts like hell but it effectively clears my mind._

“Alex what are you doing here!?” Emma stood on the doorway looking sleepy, wearing a scarlet silky nightgown.

_Maybe 2.30 am it’s too late for a Sunday night?_

“I’d like to have a go at it again. My plane is leaving in just hours.” I stated simply.

“Honey… I’m sorry to hear that but I’ve already told you…you have to let those hickeys and marks wear off a bit, they are still too fresh _[she pulled my sleeve up and nodded slowly_ ]”

_No you don’t get it._

_They don’t hurt that much now and I miss it._

“I’ll pay you $1000 an hour. Look, here…”I tried to persuade her by carelessly emptying my wallet and handing her all my cash.

“Whoa, whoa…calm down, okay, _okay_ …We…I could play with your feet a bit I guess, oh and your neck! “ Her coal eyes almost popped out as she stared down my jaw. “We could try _hanging_ …I have an elastic rope…I mean, it’s usually used with more advanced subs but your pain threshold is surprisingly high. You can always tell me to stop, of course…”

“Sounds perfect” I replied inviting myself in and not giving it a second thought.

“Wait here ‘till I get changed then. Oh you’re so gonna love this!” She clapped her hands and rushed away.

_Yeah hurry up…please, my thoughts are becoming clearer by the second and I sure as hell don’t like the feel of it._

_Not at all._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know this was an odd? chap but don't worry i know exactly where all this is going;)  
> -just need time to write it down-  
> any feedback is welcomed! x
> 
> *you can find me on tumblr too  
> i'm calmlikemilex :)*


	12. Chapter 12

‘Let’s count back from ten now. When we reach zero you’ll fall into a deep relaxing trance ’

The blonde bird started mumbling and I felt my attention shifting quickly so that I was once more dwelling on my misery. I was being a complete hypocrite, yes. I could barely keep myself together lately…how am I supposed to help others? It’s shallow; every word I elicit is a mere sound, completely devoid of any meaning or feeling. Nothing moves me anymore.

‘Good now…’

Paul McCartney’s ‘let it be’ scream cut me short and I swear my heart skipped a beat when I saw ‘Alex’ shining bright in my phone screen. Taking hold of it, my finger hovered over the ‘dismiss’ red symbol but, curiosity being stronger than resentment, I finally told the woman to keep counting and answered the call.

“Now you wanna talk…” I started bitterly.

“Hey! You’re Miles right?” A girl squeaked hastily and my teeth clenched automatically.

“Yea?” I huffed feeling both peeved and hurt.

“Look I need you…you have to…like…come take Alex to the hospital…ER…he’s…”

“Excuse me!? What…what happened to him? Is he with you now?” I yelled, springing to my feet and tensing up.

“I don’t know…Yes; he’s breathing, his heart beating normally but he…he’s not waking up. I can’t…” She wailed and set to susurrate ‘Alex!’ non-stop.

_He passed out while fucking you?_

“Listen to me now, I’m in fuckin’ England! I don’t know where you are or… Go take him yourself right away, I’ll take the next flight and…”

“I can’t! His body…oh I can’t risk being thought an aggressor! I’m still processing my permanent resident visa…I love LA it’s…”

_LA then._

_Aggressor?_  
She probably meant something else.  
Foreigners mess up the words quite frequently.

“No, it’s fine… _you_ go take him right fucking now, I’ll give you all the damn money you need to bribe those people and get your visa, okay? You’d better…” My voice cracked as dread seemed to be making my heart shrink.

“No, no, no…I really can’t. I’ll see and call someone else. I thought you…nevermind” and with a long sigh the stranger hung up, leaving me at a complete loss of words.

I was at best befuddled. All I got to understand is that Alex is in need of immediate medical assistance and that bitch, for some stupid reason, wasn’t willing to cooperate the way she goddamn should.

_Now what has he gotten himself into?_

I pressed the ‘call’ green symbol desperately.

_I wasn’t done talking yet._

\----------                   

Normally, I was a huge fan of travelling by plane at night. I lived for that moment you looked out the window to see your hometown a simple grouping of shining dots that quickly got lost among the immensity of its surroundings. It’s somewhat unsettling to realise just how _insignificant_ you really are in the whole picture. And then again, this is just _Earth_. A little turquoise sphere floating in the immeasurable infinity we call ‘outer space’.

But my brain was not at all concerned with those fascinating topics at the moment. The source of my desperation was to that sensational immensity probably a petty speck, lost among equal nothingness. Through my eyes, however, he was the most significant little spot in this colourful, permanently changing canvas where nothing is ever still for a second except it’s dead.

_Life is movement._

The girl picked up the fourth. ‘He’s fine now’ and ‘You needn’t have come all the way here’ she nonchalantly sang over the phone while I urged her to tell me where I could find Alex.

“Hand him _his_ phone then if he’s so well already. I wanna hear his voice.” I demanded growing tired of hearing a total stranger talking of Al like they were lifelong friends.

“He’s sleeping now but all the same, the thing here is, sweetie that he doesn’t want to see or hear you. Same goes for the band…they’ve replaced him or somethin’, I dunno... Personally, I wouldn’t mind…”

“Give me the bloody address or I swear I’m calling the police right now and reporting Alex is officially missing.” I hissed with teary eyes. Every possible scenario hurt: either Alex was truly fine and despised me or he wasn’t and the bird was blatantly lying to me in favour of her own personal interests.

_At the expense of Al._

“Jeez calm down!… _okay_ ” She grumbled and proceeded to tell me how to get _there_.

 

\---------

Never had I been so jittery when going inside a building.  
I hadn’t ever been _this_ nervous,  
period.

On the contrary, I had always been an artlessly unflappable person but fear was now positively wrecking my insides apart. I glued my finger to the bell by the door like it was my lifeline.

_C’mon_

Some moments after, the door creaked open and a fit, rather tall brunette appeared in front of me.

“Shush! You’ll wake him up.”

“Where is _him_? I pushed my way inside and started pacing around astonished by just how big the apartment was.

“Sit down” A pair of cold hands patted my shoulders from behind me. Senses on alert, I wriggled surprised by the unexpected contact and promptly turned around.

A man taller than me stood there with an idiotic confident smile on his stubbly, strong-featured face.

“Hello I’m a friend of Emma… and a doctor” He announced pompously. “Alex is perfectly okay now. All he needs to commit himself for a while is to rest and eat. He’s 10 pounds below the average weight for a person his height. That, plus his lousy sleeping habits caused this temporal loss of consciousness he experienced. Basically, this is his body’s way of telling him ‘enough’. Exhaustion and extremely low blood sugar levels is a nasty combination. But it’s nothing to lose sleep over. Thankfully, he’s not dehydrated so that means he won’t need any further medical assistance as long as he follows those very simple instructions. Touring is out of the question though, that probably made him pick up on this unhealthy habits in the first place.”

_Stress._

_I couldn’t quite help him deal with it._

_He was improving, though- before he ran away from me that is._

“Okay, good. I’d like to see him now. Just that, I won’t make a sound.” I assured gaze jumping from this ‘doctor’ to the seemingly frozen girl.

“Wait first...how do I put this?… _Look_ , I work…I’m what you would call a sadist and Alex…He paid me to inflict pain on him, okay? He wanted it. Every mark…”

This Emma chick went on with her exempt-from-responsibilities monologue but those first sentences echoed loud in my mind drowning out every other sound.

_Inflict pain… on Alex?_

_Marks?_

Hence her reluctance to go to the hospital, right?

My imagination going wild with pictures of a severely damaged _Al_ , I sprinted down the long dim corridor, opening every door that I spotted. Lastly, almost reaching the end of it, I found _Al_. I was already having a hard time trying to keep my breathing even and the image before me certainly didn’t help. I pressed a very convenient button placed on the handle, locking myself inside.

‘ _Al_ ’ I soughed and stepped towards the bed. The bald white room only seemed to highlight all those dreary crimson bruises and scratches and…he was lying on his side, blanket folded at shoulder length. I kneelt beside him. This was just his neck, which from up close had too a horrible yellowish ring around it, like a rope had… _oh god._

Frantic, I softly pulled the sheets down with quivering hands. A little cry leaked through my lips as I rested my hand on his thigh on impulse, like my touch had any special power to heal that mess of fresh-looking scratches. Rosy, they practically covered his entire thigh in every direction…I could feel his chafed skin and its peeled bits threatening to come off if I decided to rub my hands along.

In all honesty, I couldn’t even begin to fathom just how much it all probably _hurt_. A few glances after, I lost all ability to process what was before my eyes. I couldn’t take it in. Since I’d met him all I ever wished for was to relieve his suffering and now I felt downright useless.

And guilty.

I should have followed him. I knew by heart every venue he was playing at. I should have known he wasn’t at all fine when he last called me…that it was actually a scream for help. Immaturely, I let myself carried away by the abruptness of it all, by my selfish sorrow. A bit of logic would’ve been enough to realise there wasn’t anything remotely natural in his way of escaping and dumping me overnight.

_I could have prevented this._

Angry at myself I decided I was now going to do my best to try and revert this, and for that to happen I had to get him out of here. Far from this hideous place.

“Alex?” I called once more, walking to the other side of the bed and sitting carefully on it.

Even his face looked different. While graciously free of any marks, it was bony and paler than usual, looking ill rather than British.

“Alex, wake up… c’mon!” I raised my tone a bit now, running my right hand through his grown dishevelled hair.

_Still it feels smooth._

_That familiarity somewhat soothes me._

_If you let me help you it’ll all pass…_

_Just a bad memory._

_You’re so much more than this Al._

Growling and yawning his limbs moved a little as his lazy caramel eyes peered through thick dreamy lashes. Making a considerable effort, I stopped caressing his head, withdrew my hand and waited for him to become fully awake.

“Miles?” Alex tilted his head and reached out to touch my arm in awe. “No, this can’t be real. What are you…No…no,no,no. Go away.” Alex lowered his head and crouched as he violently tugged at the sheet, letting it cover him from head to toes.

“Yes. I’m going away …with you. There’s a sickening atmosphere here.”

_The mere thought that she may have done all that to you on this bed makes my wanna throw my soul up._

“No… don’t worry about me. I don’t deserve your attention or caring. I’m disgusting now on the outside too, you saw it yourself. _Go, please_.” He whimpered, a little protruding blanket-covered ball now. He used to be slender, yes…However, presently, Al looked extremely fragile-like a fine china vase. I was afraid to touch him still I felt words wouldn’t be expression enough of my feelings towards him so, uncovering him slowly, I carefully moved and helped him sit. He remained on the same position, still huddled and tense. Once Al was steady, I slowly but firmly wrapped my arms around him, feeling simultaneously his quiet gasps for air, rashes and shuddering limbs.

“Mi-i-i-les. I broke your heart, I…I’ve been…you should hate me. I…” He buried his head on my chest and rubbed his face against it, sobbing still.

“Shhh don’t talk nonsense.” I couldn’t restrain the urge to smother his head with small kisses. That somewhat quieted him. “I fuckin’ love you Al and, therefore, I’m especially worried about you. Please, just let me help you, okay?. As a friend, professional, lover… however you feel like it’s fine by me. ” I poured my feelings out decidedly and waited impatiently for some sort of answer.

Only it never came.

Instead, I was taken aback when I felt sharp teeth sink in my neck and start sucking at my skin ever so slow, tongue poking at the flesh playfully. Vulnerable as he was at the moment, I let him have his way and a minute after or so, he pulled back and cautiously examined his work.

“Lovers” He nodded and fell headfirst on my chest again locking his own arms around my tummy now too.

Staggered by this peculiar course of events, I remained silent for a while, simply caressing his injured back reassuringly.

“Great so… let me help you get dressed babe, okay?.”

No answer.

“Al?”

Shaking him up a bit I realised he had fallen asleep yet again; breathing even, a little smile plastered on his angelical face.

_How can someone get pleasure out from hurting you Al?_

_This world is tremendously fucked up._

_Please don’t ever run away from me again._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so...i didn't originally plan on switching pov's but this chapter kinda called for it- plus i resolved it'd be interesting to have an insight into what's going on in miles head!  
> anyways, as usual, i hope you've enjoyed it!!  
> any feedback is greatly appreciated <3 x
> 
> *you can find me on tumblr too  
> i'm calmlikemilex :) *


	13. Chapter 13

“Stop! It’s cold!” I whined as the sticky substance was poured on with my right calf. I was lying prostrate on Miles’ bed only in my underwear. Worn-out due to the long flight back, I just wanted to submerge into the world of sleep already- or at least try. It had been a week exactly since I last got to sleep some solid 7 hours. After that, I found myself not able to keep my eyes closed for more than one hour without waking up to mild shivers and vague recollections of some horrid nightmares in which I was somehow set on fire alive and no one noticed, helped me or anything. They were really nerve-wracking.

“No need to get all cranky _Al_ , it’s just aloe vera! It will help your skin hydrate and recover faster. Maybe even relieve you of some pain.” Miles cooed as his hand moved cautiously in circles. He was being so delicate I could barely feel his touch as the thing got spread. Some light brushes, a tickling static but no _real skin-to-skin_ contact.

_Why, touch me. Press your hand hard the nastiest bruise you can find and tell me the failure we all know I am. How I don’t deserve you, the band or anything._

“Please hurry up, I just wanna go to sleep. No need to be so tender, rub it hard and fast… it doesn’t really hurt that much.”

He then simply ran his fingers over my dorsal vertebrae and I chocked down a cry. But my body wriggled in spite of my efforts to stay still so there was really no point in trying to conceal the truth.

“I know you’re in incredible pain babe.” He gulped and reverted back to Mr. Ghost Hand. “ It won’t take much longer I swear. Sleep…sleep will help too. You have to sleep, of course…there you go… turn around now, will you?” His hot breath collided with my cheek anticipating the kiss he placed exactly on my temple. It was a simple petty peck yet it triggered a small wave of heat that expanded widely in my insides. By the time I was done turning, however, he was already far from me again, working on my legs.

_Your lips could work a thousand more wonders on my skin than that gluey green thing ever will._

Some minutes later, I heard him whisper my name along with some indecipherable nonsense.

“What?” I asked reopening my eyes mildly annoyed. I had been so close to falling asleep. He couldn’t have been more goddamn opportune if he’d beforehand planned to hinder my sweet rest.

“I’m finished Al. Now if you’d just move a bit I could fetch the sheets and…good now just get comfortable and repose for as long as you wish. I’ll be here by your side, okay?”

“Yea okay… please, shut up already” I pleaded in a weak voice as he pulled the blankets over me. I couldn’t bear it all anymore. This aloe thing had made the outer layers of my skin feel cool but underneath…oh underneath it was a pain celebration. Throbbing, piercing, aching, burning…anywhere I focused my mind on there was a particular sensation that became increasingly stronger if I didn’t immediately concentrate on another and so, as I kept switching my attention to different parts of my body, this chain of restless torture perpetuated given that time passed just to see me failing to drift off.

_C’mon I was so close just moments before._

I rolled so as to face the other side.

_Bad idea my left ribs could barely support my weight._

I went back to the position I’d been before.

_Not feeling it either._

I was way too close to the edge of the bed and hell I didn’t fancy the idea of falling. I writhed in discomfort.

I lost track of how many times I rolled to and fro, shuffling nervously into new positions just to find I was finally more uncomfortable than before and thus tried to get back to that previous pose that was merely a mirage. Actually the more I moved, the worst I felt. Not only physically, but mentally too. I was totally losing it by the time Miles laid his hands on my shoulders and pinned me down on the firm mattress.

“Hey… _hey_ ” He purred soothingly as his swift fingers climbed up my neck, traced the contour of my ears and in the end pressed hard somewhere near my temples.

_Oh_

Next, he started drawing minimal circles there with his slender fingers, still applying considerable pressure.

Not opening my eyes, I indulged in that pleasurable sensation that now emanated from my very head. We both remained in silence for some minutes, our breaths the only discordant melodies spoiling the celestial quietness.

“How are you feeling now? Like this, Al?” Miles eventually questioned in that high-pitched fashion I knew meant he was officially worried.

“Oh Miles it feels absolutely fantastic, it…it numbs the pain away… God, yes! Please, don’t you fucking stop!” I confessed sincerely then fought my heavy eyelids just to catch a glimpse of him sitting there beside me, strangely glazed eyes fixed on mine.

_Is that the remnant of tears?_

“Have you been crying?” I inquired positively aghast at such sight. It really made my skin crawl, the thought that I myself could stir negative emotions in him; infect his precious being with my own bullshit.

“Of course not! Close your eyes again, you don’t need to use your vision right now. C’mon _babe_. ” He flashed me a small smile before his face adopted once more that rigid expression that exuded concentration. I felt his open hands now cover my head completely. Lazily, they moved in opposite directions I didn’t even bother following. Exhausted to the core, I was eager to comply and try to summon the bitchy sleep fairy come take me far from reality.

I recall particularly enjoying his thumbs stroking my crown devotedly, as his other fingers -and lips- worked wonders on my forehead. He kissed it twice, I believe, mumbling something afterwards. Something I never quite _heard_. From there on, honestly, it all becomes just a blur of sighs, warmth and tangled limbs.

_And tears, just before sinking into the darkness I felt them timidly hitting against my bare chest._

_Tiny drops giving away your façade of absolute composure._

_I felt them Miles._

_I fuckin’ did._

_\-----------_

I woke up to light kisses on the curve of my shoulder and a tight grip on waist.

_Being the little spoon is certainly the best feeling in the world._

“Al, babe, there is no fire here. You’re safe with me, I promise, calm down.” Miles’ soft hum crept in my ears slowly, like every word needed special consideration.

_Fire?_

_Oh, the nightmares?_

_Fuck, I can’t possibly still have them._

_I’m with you…you make me calm._

Fatigued still to even take a look around I ignored his ongoing whispers and tried to go back to sleep which wasn’t that difficult in such comfortable embrace.

_Not at all._

\---------------

Gasping at the horrible sensation I opened my eyes feeling monstrously startled.

“FUCK!” I unconsciously yelled and tried to stand up. I had hardly taken in yet what was going on around me.

“It’s just water Al, just water.” Miles easily hold me in place with his hands which as soon as I stopped moving, delicately stroked my back up and down knowing full-well the reassuring effect it had on me.

“You’re burning up in fever Al, you hear me?” His hand turned my head so that he could stare right into my pupils.

“Y-e-s” I stuttered and directed my eyes to my naked trembling body.

_How did I get here? Is this even real?_

“I’m c-o-old” I whimpered docilely _._

“No, please, don’t cry _Al_ …I…We need to fix that you…you were getting delirious just minutes ago… Trust me, if you cooperate this will be all over before you even notice, okay?… Yes it will now take a nice deep breath, closing those lovely eyes again.” He run his thumb along my cheek and flashed me a broad smile.

To be fair, he himself looked terrible. His complexion, while naturally pale, looked wan now; there were purple bags bulging beneath those chocolate eyes that stared at me in full concern, strained - they seemed to have forgotten how to blink.

Feeling awfully guilty, I obeyed. Palm on my forehead now, he pushed me back delicately and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t fight it back.

“No, no it’s freezing cold stop Mi” I begged the moment the water reached my neck, trying to straight up and escape.

“Close your mouth.”

Effectively shushing me, he continued until every single inch of my body was submerged in that condemned tub.

And it didn’t stop there, the torture: he made me repeat the nauseous experience some four more times, my pleas falling on deaf ears. Too physically weak to object, I complied but the second he got me out and wrapped me in a bathrobe I broke down completely, tears cascading furiously down my cheeks.

“Alex why…?”

“Get lost.” I seethed pushing him and storming out of the bathroom.

Always faster, he managed to catch up with me and block my way just when I was about to step into his big wardrobe and lock myself in.

“ _Al_ ” he bent down a bit trying to make eye contact as I frantically averted his gaze. My skin might be cold now but hell I was firing in rage inside.

“Leave. Me. Alone.” I emphasised each word loudly then tried to push him aside. Somehow, however, I got myself trapped in a tight hug instead.

“Okay, if that’s what you want I’ll do it. But _Al_ , god, I love you…you see that, _right_? I know this was probably a shitty experience but I couldn’t let that fever climb up any more. I waited…I thought you’ll cool down but then you started mumbled nonsense and shuddered and…I got so scared!” His grip around my waist grew stronger as he spoke and by now it slightly hurt. I couldn’t care less though. Not when he was the one shivering, panting and seeming to be holding on to me for dear life.

_What am I doing to you?_

_You’re supposedly the strong, composed one._

“Yes, yea… _yes_ I love you too Mi. I’m really not mad, it was just a spur-of-the moment thing. I’m sorry. You truly are my guardian angel, always taking care of the disaster I am. I won’t ever be able to show you my gratefulness. Damn! I can’t even make you feel better now, I’m utterly useless and stupid!”

“No Alex, _no_. How can _you_ say that?…You! I mean, you’re the sole author of some of the greatest songs of this decade; I sincerely don’t know how you aren’t disgustingly popular worldwide by now. So brilliantly talented!”

_Excuse me?_

“Been listening to me music, _Kane_?” I pulled back a bit to take a good look of his expressions. He shot me a playful glance.

“Well I was heartbroken and I missed you…you’ve got a lovely voice, I didn’t think it could turn any more endearing but I was tremendously wrong. Your way of singing is so peculiarly captivating. I could listen to your records for months on end!” He exclaimed, pulling my body closer again and repeatedly pecking my Adam’s apple”.

“Well…” I suspired a tad bit suffocated by this unexpected display of affection.

“Lovely voice indeed” He giggled quietly and stepped back for good.

“Get dressed while I make something yummy for breakfast” He ordered winking an eye at me and turning to leave the room.

“Sure you want tha’?” I called him back “We can’t risk my temperature going up again, can we? Maybe it’s better to take it all off. Look, my skin’s so soft now” I lowered my right shoulder and felt the fabric slip down as I bit my lip and affected an innocent look.

“Alex…” He rebuked.

“Miles” I pouted, imitating his standing-with-arms-akimbo posture.

“Turne…”

“Oh my firm wooden cane!” I mocked cutting him short and promptly threw myself at him. He held me close once more as I tried to mute my silly laugh against his chest.

_He soon laughed too,_

_and I felt pleasantly lighthearted for a change._

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so...i realise this chap was kinda messy?)   
> well my life is quite the same these days and i'm having a terrible  
> headache at the moment so i apologise for my lack of inspiration  
> and somewhat forced fluff, hoepfully the next one will be better :)  
> thanks for all the support it's really nice to know your opinions guys!!  
> x 
> 
>  
> 
> *you can find me on tumblr too  
> i'm calmlikemilex :)*


	14. Chapter 14

“I

regret

nothing!”

Al pointed his shaky finger at me, red swollen eyes glistening still in the sombre, depressing atmosphere. “Nothing!” He repeated loudly with a broken voice.

“Shhhhh” I brought a finger to my lips, signalling him to shut up.

“It’s done _Al_. Be quiet, _please_.”

 

\---------------------

Two days.

I’m hardly aware of how it all exactly happened but things did get out of control. The calm period, if there even was one, was beyond ephemeral. Soon, he was utterly apoplectic and hurt. In the blink of an eye he was screaming, shouting and throwing his beloved phone across the room. At first, I thought it was that brief moment of exasperation, ‘the meltdown’ people experience when given –or in this case reading- some bad news. A burst of anger just before the collapse, the imminent break down.

I had every reason to believe Alex was going to wallow in his sorrows.

But hell he didn’t.

Contrariwise, his anger increased exponentially with each passing minute and I felt torn between sweetly asking him to calm down and physically forcing him to do so. A mix of both was clearly not the best choice seeing as he perceived my switch of approaching strategies as a sign of weakness and ‘visible incompetence to deal with the matter at hand’ - as he’d very sassily put it .

“Stupid! They’re all stupid Miles. Fuckin’ morons! I have _everything_ , the drafts, the demos... _I_ have them! I could go release them new songs now as _my own_. I could…I will…I’ll fucking get back at them. How dare they replace me after all… _I will_. They’ll so regret it.”

I’m not quite sure what the hell I was thinking back then, but I do remember not replying immediately.

_Maybe…_

Maybe I was just helplessly lost in that atypical gruffly pitch that seemed to tickle his way through your ears, weakening your every defence and making you wanna test how deeper it could get. Eyes lasciviously gazing at his hair, I daydreamed of curling his longer-by-the-minute hair around my fingers and telling him just how pretty such unkempt hairstyle looked on him, graciously framing his delicate countenance. I wanted him to blush the reddest hue of red, giggle in that low cute fashion of his and seek comfort in my arms.

_Maybe I just wasn’t taking him that seriously._

_Maybe I’m just an idiot in love._

“ _Al_ , I approve of your passion for your job but there really isn’t anything to be done. They have all voted and decided to kick you out on the grounds of irresponsible attitude, which is a legally valid argument given that you disappeared without further notice and, well, they still had concerts to play. Fair or not, that’s just how it works but, at any rate, it’s not the end of the world, look…”

Poor wording choice.

“Of course! It’s just so easy for you to say that, isn’t it Miles!? I’ve been working for years to get where I am and now what… it’s all taken away from me? Just like that? Because I didn’t catch a goddamn flight?!?! Why the fuck are you on their side though? You must defend me, I… it’s like I’ve just been slaughtered and you bastard are quietly staring and saying I goddamned deserved it??!?!? You know what…I’m so done with them, with you! You’re totally delusional if you think for a minute that I’m gonna let them stomp over me and get away with this. I’m tired of sucking it all up, of things never going the way I want to. FUCK IT! I`M GONNA SHOW THEM THE APHOTEOSIS OF VILENESS, SINCE THEY SEEM SO FOND OF IT!”

Again, I reacted poorly. I actually encouraged the skinny mess of wavering arms, strident threats, and tramping feet that swayed before me. In my defence, I was reasonably marvelled at the sudden display of confidence and self-respect. Yes, he has every right to be proud at his work and esteem it highly. He has a _–sublime-_ voice, he should always speak up, make his wishes known and express his dissatisfaction when things don’t go the way he’d have liked to. He’s got everything right in his speech.

Except for revenge.

He’s not a mean person, _I know_ , he was just too deeply hurt to assess the situation properly. He saw red and thus directed all his energy in annihilating those who hurt him. A simple stupid ‘by the book’ defence mechanism I greatly overlooked in favour of those sudden sparkles in his dark pupils and the determination his posture and voice exuded.

So, not personally stopping him, he therefore proceeded to gather his wallet, keys and some other personal belongings that were scattered all around the place. Next came the announcement that he probably wouldn’t be back until well into the evening. It was then 10 in the morning.

“Don’t worry I totally got this” He kissed me roughly on the lips before fleeing out of my apartment in a desperate the-building-is-on-fire fashion, like he didn’t have a split second to spare.

And I didn’t follow him.

I actually went on with my breakfast, a broad smile stamped on my face.

_Deluded by that ferocious conviction I let himself go set himself on fire yet again._

_Could it be that we just don’t work out as lovers?_

_This relationship has certainly brought about more disasters than good things._

_Was it then my mistake?_

_Wasn’t he really better off with girls?_

_In the end, human beings’ main trait is adaptation._

_Eventually we all conform._

_\---------------_

“Sleep, you need to put that overactive brain to rest. I’ll be here watching over you don’t worry” I whispered, apparently not low enough, coming as close to him as the bars allowed.

“Oh someone shut up them gay pussies!”

“We’ll soon have your cute girly boyfriend for breakfast you hopeless twat”

Al brought his hands to his ears and forced his eyes shut, wrinkles forming all over his eyelids, brows furrowed.

“You’re not staying here I swear on my life I’m getting you out this week okay?” I pecked at his forehead that was becoming paler and paler the more he pushed against the cold metal.

“I say live the moment yo, you know. Tomorrow may never come, right?” This muscular bloke rose from the floor he was laying in and slowly stumbled towards Alex with heavy steps. Startled by the vibration of the bars, I guess, Al turned on his heels and gasped. So silent had the guy been so far, I honestly had almost forgotten Alex wasn’t alone in his cell. Clapping and encouraging shouts echoed from the dim passageway and I felt my heart beating out of my chest as I wrapped an arm around Alex’s fragile waist drawing his back right against the goddamned bars.

“Stay away from him” I stretched my free arm as much as I could and trying to shush him away, but it did nothing to stop him. Seeing that, I withdrew it quickly and set to frantically press the button in this sort of walkie-talkie device the constables had given me to use in case of emergencies.

“Good luck with calling them coppers. Them sleepin’ mate. They won’t come help you or your cherry.” He laughed cynically, oily face distorting completely. Meanwhile, Al started shuddering like mad.

“Mi…”He creaked, turning his head to the side and burying it in his own shoulders.

Terror at its finest.

“Yes, I’m here Al, I got you. I’ve called them.” I answered in the evenest voice I could affect and hoped for the best as I wrapped my other arm around him too and tightened the grip as much as I could.

“I really don’t get the logic behind that mate. I don’t need to move him that much to get this done…However, I like them to look at me all the while” The guy took hold of Al’s chin and with one quick movement forced him to hold his gaze.

“Back off!” I hissed attempting to push him away with my fist. Alex, putting on action a quite different tactic, spitted right on his face.

“Don’t you touch me, you _scumbag_ ” He spoke under his breath and I felt infinitely terrified and proud at the same time. It was an impossibly dangerous situation and he was properly standing up for himself.

Booing chants came from every direction and I couldn’t believe the officers weren’t here yet.

“Oh that’s a pretty dirty mouth you have there, better put it to work huh?” He wiped Al’s spit out of his oval face with the same hand he sank in his sweatpants and oh my god I felt compelled to look away.

Everything was so gross and ultimately bizarre I could hardly believe it was real and not some creepy nightmare.

“On your knees!” His other hand reached for Alex neck and tried make my babe bend over. I quickly moved one arm up his chest and hold him upright.

“Go fucking away!” I screamed at the top of my lungs only realising someone had finally decided to come down and into the dungeon when the bloke was knock down and kicked repetitively on the guts. On seeing the door open, Alex broke free from my embrace to run out of that infamous cell and into my arms, sobbing nervously against my chest.

At a thorough loss of words, I just placed some silent kisses on his crown and enjoyed this few seconds of close real contact that were surely coming to an end when the officer drags him back there again.

“Hey!” A familiar person tapped Alex’s back cautiously and my mouth literally fell open when taking a look at his face.

“Matt?” I asked

“Matt!” Alex’s body shivered immediately at the sole mention of his name and dug his nails in my shoulders.

“What are you doing here?” I seethed.

“Well, Miles…you know, my father is a lawyer and so… I came with him to get Al out. How could they put you here, god this…this shit has really gone too far. You…you’re free now mate. We need to talk though, all of us… Damn it, it’s really okay if you want to date a guy. I mean…”

Suddenly, Alex made a violent turn and faced Matt.

“FUCK. YOU.” He empathised knocking his forehead together with his and eliciting some more loud booing that came from the farthest cells. Hastily, he pulled back and, intertwining our fingers together, dragged me up the stairs not once looking back.

I absently heard Matt yell ‘I’m sorry’ and the hypocrisy of it all really got to me.

_People go around saying those three damned words like all the havoc they’ve wrought were immediately fixed upon their gracious utterance of them._

_Well, hate to break it to you: it’s not._

_Worse than that, it may never be._

_\--------_

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so...you all weren't expecting this, right????  
> (me neither tbh; these crazy ideas keep popping up in my mind and i'm so bad at ignoring them!)  
> anyway, hope you guys liked it!!  
> any feedback is greatly appreciated :) x
> 
> *you can find me on tumblr too  
> i'm calmlikemilex :)*


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI LOVELIES I'M BACK:D  
> longggg chap ahead....  
> i'm really sorry it took so long guys but i had to concentrate on my studies!!
> 
> (it was actually longer but yea i had to delete some parts- i dunno i got too descriptive for a smut chap??)

“Well, damn, I think we’ll have to order something, your fridge is sadly empty al. Just beer, mayonnaise and a jar of….olives?”

Miles sauntered around my little kitchen hoping to find something that could be made into a meal. I felt momentarily bad for the avid chef but his searches would most likely be in vain given that, lately, I’ve been either eating whatever he fed me or skipping meals altogether. Cooking was a total bore for me and, anyways, I usually wasn’t hungry at all.

I knew what he was trying to do though. It wasn’t at all hard to see through his fake lightly twisted smiles, clouded eyes and singular clumsy movements. His elbow had knocked the –thankfully strong- blue ceramic vase , which I usually adorned with fresh flowers, three times and this was the second time he’d tripped over the little silver bin. ‘Out of my way’ he muttered, softly kicking it aside and I almost laughed.

_Almost._

Overall, I felt like jumping off a bridge to be honest, the only thing stopping me being my precious dwelling. Yes, I longed familiarity and…loneliness. It doesn’t take much to realise jails are probably a nasty place to be in. _They are_. I couldn’t have minded less though. The suffocating dirtiness, the rats, the piercingly cold showers… they aren’t significant at all. People, that’s the scary, _relevant_ part. I felt helplessly vulnerable 24/7 even with Miles there, mere feet away. I was so horribly exposed in that damned illuminated cell... I felt I could be knocked down, raped- killed even!- in the blink of an eye. Just because I’m physically weak and they strong: the law of the jungle at its finest. And, ironically enough, this permanent chaos was nurtured by none other than the officers themselves. In fact, they were who’d started, in the first place, this unstoppable chain of violence. Shamelessly humiliating convicts when naked, kicking their heads when they didn’t wake up at time, spanking and spitting them repeatedly- they were who ignited the bomb and then casually leave. Because they too didn’t give a damn about anyone in those cells…they see not people but the scum of the earth and surely smile broadly when a body is found dead. They are mostly criminals sure, they must pay for whatever atrocity they have committed. But an officer is supposedly the personification of justice; their job to protect people with its own life if necessary, right? Then how can someone with such passion towards life be so dehumanised? Why do we trust this people to protect us?

_Is there anything to trust at all?_

_It feels like the more I know about people’s ways, the more I want to withdraw from society._

_If it’s gonna be me forever more though, I need to feel truly comfortable in my skin._

_And for that to happen I should have some time alone._

“Umm Mi…I’d rather you… _go_. It’s just…I’m…I’m in need of some fucking privacy and tranquillity, okay? Don’t take it personal, but I _really_ need to be left alone now…for some hours, at least. I’ll go visit you tomorrow, if that’s okay…”

“Oh _Al_ ” He cooed rushing to my side and leaving his hands hanging in the air as if he were afraid to touch me.

_Why_

“Just let me stay around and buy you something to eat, okay?. I won’t speak a word if that’s what you wish. Really, I won’t bother you in the slightest babe. I just want to take care of you. ” He dropped his arms to his sides and tilted his head expectantly, big puppy eyes begging me to say yes.

_I’m so sorry_

“No… by staying you’re not helping at all, Miles. I won’t kick you out but I implore you, please, _go_.”

On hearing my calm reply, he inhaled deeply through the mouth and held my gaze for what felt like too long. We looked surely miserable standing there, trying to decipher whatever the other one meant to convey by his way of looking. I wasn’t a tad bit surprised by the noticeable worry that his expressions bore and so I did my best to try to put it to rest by reaching out and fondling his shoulders affectionately with my open hands, all the while flashing him the widest smile I could put on. Finally, he heaved a long sigh and let his shoulders fall heavy, his body tense still.

“Okay, I’ll call some delivery you fancy and I’m gone. But do promise me you’ll eat _Al_. You have to put on some weight love. I’d really love to cook you some…”

“Delivery is fine…for tonight. Thanks anyhow.” I nodded ecstatic at his resolution and kissed his cold nape when passing him by in my way to fetch the phone.

“You never let me show you just how much I love you, you never let me pass those ramparts you continue to build.” I did hear him mutter under his breath yet acted as if I had not. I was about to bring up hypnosis and contradict him but even that was a somewhat poor argument since the last sessions had been an utter disaster at best- two minutes being the largest I remained ‘in deep sleep’.

_Again, you could do so much better._

\---

“Well, don’t you look splendid!” I mocked inviting myself into his apartment and trotting around. Miles was still in his pyjamas, understandably. It was 8 in the morning yet I couldn’t keep my feet quiet a second longer. We needed to talk so many things.

“Thank you babe.” He replied good-heartedly. Sometimes I wondered if he actively ignored my sarcasm or if he simply didn’t quite get it.

“I’m really happy to see you so… _excited_ to come here? What’s up with you this cold Sunday morning babe?” Half of his face had a very rosy pillow-mark while the other half was ghastly pale. Squinting to look my way, he rubbed his eyes with enthusiasm as some yawns escaped his mouth so quietly I couldn’t quite restrain myself….Springing back to where he was, I shoved his modest hand out of the way and crept my hungry tongue in just as his lips were coming together once more. Mouths stamped, I quickly pulled him into a tight hug and began to caress those slim dry lips with my own, wishing his brain was still too sleepy to process things properly and his body numb enough to not complain. Apparently that was just the case ‘cause he did nothing to push me away or try and take dominance of the kiss. Instead he stood relaxed, warm hands romping their way through my thick hair as I put his limits to test by pushing my tongue farther and farther in, causing his head to fall back more and more, and pulling his hips against mine to the point it actually hurt. A quiet cry brushed my throat the minute I licked his palate and I decided it was enough.

“Why don’t you stop me Mi!?” I panted as I slowly stepped back, bewildered to no end by his remarkably pliant attitude.

“W-w-why you- what!?” He gestured with his hands as if offended by my pulling apart. _Oh babe._ “What?” Herepeated _-avoiding!-_ my curious eyes and blushing bashfully.

“Miles” I came closer and held his chin up so as to look him in the eyes. “You’re always in control babe. _You_ not me.” I reassured him and swiftly took his tiny recorder out of the pocket of my jeans and placed it on his hand instead “You dropped this yesterday, in my kitchen, and it is, without a doubt, the highlight of our relationship so far. When exactly were you planning to tell me you sing so well!? Mind you, I dreamt all night about those sexy drawls... we really oughta make a record babe, you’ve got such a potential!” Blushing even more, he retreated and stared in awe at the familiar device he now loosely held.

“Al _, god_ , this is personal!” Huffing, he strode off into his _‘office’_ and left me standing there like a proper fool in love. In no hurry to chase him, I took out the messy transcript I’d made of my favourite part and read it aloud.

 _`He doesn’t let me in. It’s both annoying and enthralling. I naturally have control of situations. I don’t have to force things. It was like that, at the beginning, but then…oh, ever since we slept together, I can’t seem to even order him to eat properly. I’m weakened by his fragility of character and by his grey background. I’m the one running behind him like a puppy and strangely enough I’m totally fine with it. Being by his side is a blessing even though, at times, I can’t help but think he doesn’t fully trust me. And that’s a real fucking pity when all I really want is to help him. If he could just be plain honest and tell me what’s running in his mind when he is lost in thought, staring out of my windows with vacant eyes or when I call him and he doesn’t turn round till he feels the touch of my hand. Those little moments he knows. He knows I know there is more to him yet makes no attempt to share a thing. He locks it safe inside instead. And heaven knows I can’t blame the poor angel…nor force him; I’m certainly not planning to hypnotise his heart. I wish he someday will really open up though. Voluntarily. In the meantime, I’ll just keep handing him my heart everyday and hope he won’t turn it to bits- again. He’s in total control, whether he sees it or not_.’

A few interruptions and complaints after, Miles finally agreed to sit and let me explain myself.

“You’re bossy, I’m curious okay? I couldn’t resist it…but I only went on listening because you talked about _me_. I would’ve stopped if you’d been rambling about someone else. _But me_. You dedicated at least a third of those recordings to my petty existence. I assure you love, I’m not half as interesting as you seem to make me to be. And then came the songs…and I…oh _Mi_ I fell into the sweetest sleep listening to them. You should sing to me… _later on_. Now, I wanna open up...” I trailed off and stretched my downcast gaze to where he was.

Those last two words seemed to have, all of a sudden, effectively slapped him out of his daze; seeing as his precious heavy lidded eyes shot full-open and his posture became more upright and attentive.

“Oh well sure we can…we…anything!…I’m here to listen _babe_. Do talk…please. I mean…” He blurted out way too fast to form a set of coherent sentences, his intention to exhort me to blab more clear than ever.

_How can you possibly get the impression I don’t trust you? It’s just speaking… it is really not my thing. You’d be amazed at how many days I could go without talking at all. So far my best mark is twenty-five days I’m a city dweller. Send me to the country and I might as well go years mute._

His blunt ingenuousness gave me a much-needed shot in the arm so, holding back a smug smirk, I stood up confident and walked over to the settee he was comfortably resting in. Legs astride, I squatted down very slowly until I was met with his lap. Head bent, my blowsy hair covered practically my entire face from view. I stood quiet for some moments, waiting for his reaction.

_‘Al’_

Overwhelmed by the craved proximity of our bodies, I snaked my head all the way up to the vale of his shoulder, making sure skeins of my long hair brushed his exposed chest, neck and jaw in the process.

“I know…it turns you on, _Mi_. That’s why…why I still haven’t cut it.” I purred at odd intervals as I nibbled at his earlobe playfully.

Inclining his head, he gave in to temptation and silently buried his nose in my hair. As he presumably sniffed, I sensed his general rigidness start to disappear: legs sliding on the carpet, hands supple against my thighs, back comfortably sunk in the fancy cushions.

_You can only say yes._

‘Make me yours’ I whispered in one shaky breath, grinding my hips ever so slowly against his.

“Oh Al, I wasn’t referring to sex… _entirely_.” He whined, caressing my thighs up and down but doing nothing to stop me from moving. “I mean it’s a triviality, if you wanna top…”

“No, you top. Take me, _I’m here_.” I whimpered very low, sticky lips glued to his ear.

“You’re more than your body _Al_.” He dared rebuke.

_Smartass_

“Just show me how much you _want me_ ”

“I _love_ you” He said with a cracking voice and stopped my hand just when it had reached the end of my leather jacket zipper. Intertwining our fingers together, he hold it up and absently smiled at the sight of his thumb drawing little circles over my cold skin. His eyes were glowing with such intensity I had to lean closer to make sure he wasn’t about to cry.

“Good, show me then” I encouraged in a pleasant smooth tone while shamelessly thrusting my hips into his and guiding his active hand down my stomach.

“You know, this is actually one of my favourite positions ever. Mind staying here?”

_His favourite._

‘Go ahead’ I nodded and helped him out of that already unbuttoned silk shirt which was making me terribly dizzy with those white and green curves extending in every direction and I swear if its pattern weren’t matching the pants’ one, you probably wouldn’t be able to tell it was a bloody pyjama.

_It was undoubtedly Miles’ though._

I myself was somehow already receiving kisses on my chest even though my lime corduroy shirt wasn’t totally off- one shy stud refusing to let go and making me feel considerably frustrated. Pulling at it nervously, I managed to break the thread and finally send the diminutive plastic piece flying god knows where.

Free at last, I smiled and started playing with the waistbands of his pants but before I could get anywhere he swiftly unbuckled my jeans and pulled them down easily, setting my visible hard-on free from that hell skinny trousers posed to aroused lads.

“You know,….” Mi swallowed as he effortlessly pulled my legs up and turned me round so that I was facing the enormous mirror that hung behind this rooms’ door. I had always found it quite strange but then again Miles’ preferences are anything but commonplace. Needless to say, I now praised the existence of it. God, this was going to be hot.

`… you’re adorable when horny. Just look at you. There, _see_ , casually dropping a leg…and the other one? Let it fall Al, I know you want to _babe_.” His humid whisper made my ear itch but I couldn’t quite pull away when his arms were fastened around me like an iron seatbelt, holding my upper body in place despite my urge to writhe and rub myself against him.

Baffled, I sighed in defeat and remained quiet. Eyes fixed on my reflection once more, I noticed, to my surprise, my left leg helplessly sliding off his lap like it were someone else’s. I haven’t quite commanded that movement and still…

_God, I’m such a slut_

“And that’s why I love silk. So so slippy, _huh?_...Pity it has to go…squat you!” He slapped my ass quite hard and I immediately stood up, startled. Or would have, actually, if Miles’ reflex weren’t so on point. He groped at my hips just when I was about to straighten up. “Quiet” he ordered and left me frozen in this very ridicule position my legs weren’t in any condition to hold for much longer.

“Can I sit now?” I asked in a very tiny voice I had no idea where it came from.

“Can you though?” He teased and I watched the fucker lean his head right between my legs and start to spread wet , delicate kisses on my inner thighs, moving closer and closer to the one place he should be focusing on, and there he bit hard.

“Agh” A loud moan was fired out my mouth as I lost the little balance I had left and fell back to his firm naked lap, the only layer hindering full skin-to-skin contact being the fabric of my boxers.

“Those sounds you make…” Miles moved his hand downward and finally took hold of my length, running his nimble thumb over the tip tantalizingly, making my hips buck forward in desperate need of some more contact.

Watching the scene on the mirror was actual live porn and it only got me more and more worked up. My face remained mostly hid beneath my hair but still you could see one glistening eye and my way too parted lips. Miles’ head was resting on my shoulder and looking down to the tent formed in my pants. Just when the nice burning feeling had started to build in my stomach and I felt compelled to close my eyes, he stopped abruptly and reached for the drawers on the table nearby _. Yes_ , he had porn magazines, vibrators, Vaseline and condoms… _nice._

“So I’m guessing that’s your handy masturbation kit huh?” I joked and he laughed instantly, producing only the two last ones.

“It’s been a while since I last used any of these, to be honest. Who needs magazines when I can google my pretty boyfriend and watch him singing, sweating and running those fingers fast along the guitar cords? I feel bad for those teenager girls lusting over you, though. You really put us under a spell, young Adonis.”

I felt heat expand across my face at what he had just implied. I didn’t have time to dwell in it though, feeling Miles’ gluey fingers were now rounding my entrance.

“Look at me all the time” He roared nodding the mirrors’ way and proceeded to fill me up.

The first two felt okay. The third one did hurt a bit and so I let a little cry out. Hushing me with his free hand, Miles started to kiss my neck hungrily, tongue desperately searching for my weak spots, teeth scratching my sensitive skin red. I was the one to bit hard his hand, though, when the pushed a fourth finger in.

_That hurt._

But worse than that, it brought back memories from my disastrous first encounter, pretty much vanishing my arousal and tensing me up from head to toe. Suddenly, I didn’t much fancy the idea of being torn apart waist down.

“ _Al_ , relax, it’s just the breakthrough…” Miles pulled his hand away from my mouth and moved his fingers inside me a bit. I griped his thighs hard as a response and did my best to gulp down a potent cry. I wasn’t feeling this anymore.

“Mi…it hurts” I muttered serious through clenched teeth and he immediately took his withdrew his hand. Adding something in an even tone, he spin me round quickly round but I remained hooped down, not daring to face him, too embarrassed by my silly behaviour. My hair was next combed back, exposing my every feature to the warm light that came from those tall modern floor lamps he had just about in every corner of the apartment. Close to crying I was when he cupped my face lovingly and kissed me tenderly on the lips, a succession of soft pecks to be fair, he seemed in no rush to deepen the kiss or move his hands anywhere else. That put my fears to rest effectively- it was entirely up to me, just like he always told me.

Relieved by that notion of security, I decided to end what I’d started and so I put my hand to work on his member, pumping him roughly so as to get him hard again. Miles’ body twitched at the unexpected contact and he probably would’ve questioned my quick change of mind if my free hand weren’t pushing him hard against my thirsty lips. He found a way however, tickling my ribs he managed to shoo me away just enough to let him speak.

“Al, if you’re not ready yet it’s absolutely fine, no need to ru….”

It was bordering ridiculous how a hypnotist like him, who was always insisting on how crucial it was to ‘let go’, was so eager to rationalise absolutely everything. As he spoke, I skilfully got my boxers down to my knees and nodding absently at his aimless speech I quickly put the long-forgotten-on-the-table condom on him and slid down his throbbing erection.

“Rushing seems to be my style I think” I gasped at the odd sensation. Biting my lip seductively, I guided his heavy hands down my body until they were resting on my hips. Before he could establish a rhythm though, I started rotating my hips and Miles flung his head back, panting ‘Al’.

“You feel so good” I slurred, thrilled to see I could get him so worked up so fast.

Holding on to me for support, he abruptly flung himself up again, pulling closer till our bodies were not touching but melting into one hot big mass. “Yeah?” He began moving my hips up and down calmly but getting me awfully excited all the same. Kissing my forehead, he levelled his face with mine and stared intently as he picked up speed.

“Yeah” I breathed back dreamily, taking in all of that characteristic manly intensity he exuded and which seemed to grow more powerful with each thrust: his intoxicating musk aroma, his raspy stubble irritating my chin and cheek, his lean arms curled around my waist and holding me tighter by the minute, his deep growls, the hair pulls, the soft spanks…

‘Miles!’ I moaned wholly overpowered when I felt a white aura washing my vision away and numbing my body with real ecstasy as Mi slammed against a very special spot inside me.

“Like tha’?”

“I’m so close to… _ugh_ ” My nails dig on his broad shoulders as his expert hand quickly started working wonders on my very aching erection. Embarrassingly soon, I felt myself reaching my limit, panting and screaming his name along with every curse word under the sun.

“Easy _Al_.” Miles cooed, sucking at my neck with a passion “Just come for me babe, _come_ ” He simply concluded, biting hard at a fresh hickey and I couldn’t hold back anymore. A shrill cry pushed its way out my throat and, body shaking entirely, I came holding onto Mi for dear life.

Kissing my crown, he buried himself into me and came right after with soft controlled pants that went

_‘Alex, baby. Al’_

_Had the recorder been near…_

“I love you Mi, please do promise me you’ll record an album with me!” I said in the spur of the moment, having barely come down from my high but positively captivated by his melodious voice.

“Whatever you please _Al_. I’m all yours.” He hitched, patting my back and slowly pulling out of me. It felt momentarily strange, his absence down there.

_The complete opposite of what I’d felt the first time._

_Miles made feel worthy of love and, yes,_

_it’s not the first time I’ve caught myself blinking when he is not looking my way,_

_just to check if I’m truly awake._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *you can find me on tumblr too  
> i'm calmlikemilex :) *


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's pretend humbug was recorded post taotu and that crazy juice exists....

_Prying girls_

I’ve always had a sort of special sense that lets me know when I’m being stared at, even when the starer is far away. A light tickling sensation expands lazily over my nape, usually, like a soft feather were being brushed along it. However cool it may sound, it’s actually more of a curse than a gift since I tend to find myself way too self-aware and uncomfortable under the scrutinizing gazes of random strangers.

_Only, this time, it wasn’t exactly one._

Confused at the sudden feeling I looked around in disbelief.

_Surely there can’t be anyone else than Miles here?_

_But the windows._

_Curtains open, all I could focus on was on the bright rays of light shyly creeping in, taking baby steps over the orange carpet: sunrise at its peak._

_Who then?_

Stretching my gaze, I convinced myself that nobody could possibly see us from ground floor or the streets, at any rate. But just as I was about to dismiss the matter altogether, I spotted a place I’d never seen before. On the very left, just yards away from where we were, there was a five-storey house, one that could only be seen from this perspective, it seems. It was a lovely traditional British dwelling, with a seemingly strong foundation consisting of big red bricks and cement. It had a chimney on the top and some cats strolling casually on the terrace below, which was decorated with a wide variety of colourful plants and flowers. Looking down, however, I saw some tiny double-hung windows open, on which panes the sun reflected my way, making it hard for me to look in that direction.

“Al?” Miles’ hand gripped at my shoulders but I ignored them. Finally on my feet, I saw a familiar face clinging to the rail and smiling cheekily.

Waving her hand –and phone- at me, she winked and mouthed something I didn’t care deciphering, opting instead to flee to the bathroom and lock myself in.

_She can’t have seen us._

_How?_

 

 

_\---------------------_

“See it’s from waist up, all I can see is two _very_ hot boys kissing! And now _this_ … 30,000 likes Alex, _thirty-thousand!!_ That’s a lot for it being only half-an-hour online!!! Shit is gonna go viral today, trust me. Now you will get back at those stupid bandmates of yours.” Cara beamed, nudging my arm repeatedly. “ When I read you were in jail…poor little thing! I was on NYC but still called a friend of mine whose family are all recognised lawyers. See that’s just the caring friend I am. Even though you ignore me and don’t attend most of my parties- knowing my place is just steps away from your boyfriend’s now that’s rude…” She pouted and readily continued “I was thinking too…”

“Shut up! This… _This_ is all wrong” My hands drew a big circle on the air. “You can’t have watched us, fuck that’s just… _wrong_ and then you take a picture for the world to see? I don’t care if they can see us entirely naked or not…I don’t want anybody to see…It’s _our privacy_ … I…I’m not gay… _officially_ ”

A tsunami of giggles and laughter followed, making me even more furious. Miles had somehow ended teaming up with Cara and saying this was a ‘subtle’ way of coming out. _Subtle_! Very nonchalantly, he’d told me he thought the picture was ‘plain cute’ and then quickly resumed the maniacal pressing of the refresh button to see how many stupid ‘likes’ it got.

“Alex you’re killing me here, you…you emanate gay vibes honey! From the way you seat with those skinny legs firmly crossed to those recurrent pouts you make… _I mean_ ” Cara shrugged her shoulders, making her oversized camel sweater slip down one.

“I _really_ thought we were past denying darling” Miles raised a brow and leaned over the table. Not serious at all, he quickly retrieved to his seat, cracking up at the sight of my rolling eyes and tempting Cara to join him soon enough.

“Look…” She tried to catch her breath a few times in vain and by then I was silently fuming at both of the careless idiots.

_Especially Miles._

_How on earth can he approve of this shit, knowing me?_

“…Dammit Alex if you’re so repelled by voyeurism you should have drawn the curtains for fucks sake!…and then again, if you are _no homo_ , you shouldn’t have been grinding like a needy little whore on Kane’s lap in the first place, it’s just…Listen, I know what I’m doing, okay? I wanna help you, I’ve come out a few years ago and it’s the absolute best. Trust me, people are becoming less and less judgmental nowadays and, besides, their opinion can’t define you. Start a new band, _why not?_ You’re clearly talented and this, if anything, will be a publicity push- a damn good one as we can already see: thirty-five fucking thousand! Woo, bring the champagne baby! _Girls_ , dear Alex, _girls_ have a thing for hot rockers that go gay you fool. Most of them won’t stop buying your records or lusting over you; they’ll just probably add Miles in the picture. That’s it. _Simple, innit? “_

“Me?” Miles asked incredulously.

Cara then, rather euphoric with the undivided attention we were all of a sudden giving her, began to elaborate on how young girls, in general, go crazy over gay male couples. Honestly, I’d always found women psychology strange at best but, what she was currently saying actually made some sense when you thought of it. After all, straight guys do fantasise at length with lesbians and it’s considered a pretty normal behaviour. I guess it just had never before crossed my mind that girls might do the same. Incredibly enough, time passed quickly as her monologue advanced and I found myself getting calmer with every word she uttered. Yes, I usually got mildly overwhelmed by the blabbing enthusiast but this time there was a different feeling to it, to the cascade of words effortlessly flowing from her mouth. Giggles apart, there was now something motherly in her way of speaking to me, something in both her tone and eyes seemed to softly embrace me and shoo my worries away.

‘ _Fifty_ , Al. Fifty thousand!’ Miles chimed in with a high pitched shout, throwing his fist in the air.

“You know, sums do need a context…and last time I checked there were _53 million_ people in England alone…” I remarked, not fully believing his excitement.

_How is he not ashamed of being seen like that?_

_Passionately smooching a guy._

_Me!_

“And… that’s how anyone spots a social media castoff!” Miles concluded with a smirk and sipped his morning coffee like a cat drinks his milk: elegantly slow but with a notorious devotion. Eyes still glued on the screen, he added: “I really can’t believe I missed this intense blushing, gonna keep my eyes open when kissing you from now on babe.”

“ _Babe_! Awwww” Cara bit his lip with his sharped bright canines and I shook my head in despair.

_It’s done._

_It’s fucking done._

_We’ll rusticate together or else I’ll become a hermit._

_There’s no other way out from this mess._

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*6 months after*_

“I can’t believe we’re touring Mi. I can’t believe _I_ am going on tour again. It feels like centuries had passed since I last put my feet on a stage. I don’t know whether to feel excited or scared” I shared my thoughts aloud as his heavy hand spread the creamy sunscreen on my back.

“A mix would be ideal, perhaps? Look, if it makes you feel any better, keep in mind I’d be shitting myself all throughout.” He chuckled quietly and let a soft sigh out.

“ You? Really?” I pouted and turned around. This was our last weekend in France. Cd past recorded, all we really felt like doing with the scorching hot weather was chill out by the hotel’s crystalline pool. It was only our third time sunbathing and still Mi’s lean body had somehow managed to acquire a lovely golden glow to it while I remained half scarlet and half pale.

_A proper candy cane, to be honest._

“Al, you may get jittery and whatnot but still… at least you’ve got some sort of experience with these things. I do love social reunions and even being the centre of attention at times. But this…this is a whole different story. People will come to see us _play_. They’ll expect a certain standard and… I’m not sure I’ll manage to live up to their expectations. My voice…you may like it but god it’s harsh in comparison to yours! Also, my accent…I feel like stabbing a baby dear everytime we sing a verse together, I dunno, your voice is so delicate and refined. Maybe I should have stick to playing guitar, it’s…”

“Your register contrasts ideally with mine Mi, stop talking nonsense! I’m actually thrilled by the idea that I’ll have you close to me. It’ll be just so goddamn nice to hear someone else’s voice while I perform…it can get very lonely up there, when you’re the only singer. Everyone can fuck up and people will hardly notice. But heaven forbid the singer messes up one verse or note. They’ll point out your mistake with a passion, your very own fans. It’s a lot of pressure for me to bear alone. I don’t even want to imagine what it’s gonna to be like when I go back to the Monkeys.”

“Richard’s out at last?”

“Yeah, he moved to America now, officially out of the music business here. He’s marrying a country girl and will only promote her from now on, apparently. I give them two years, tops. With his temper and the high divorce rate, their future together doesn’t exactly look bright, in my opinion. Fuck the bastard though, he was a proper tool till the very end… Matt told me he took both the recordings and songs they all have writing with him, claiming he was the ‘creative artist’- even though the loser can’t even play the freaking harmonica, mind you. Still he got away with it, can you believe it!? Anyway, I think I may become a master in the art of forgiving. To be fair, though, they really seem to be repented and willing to make amends: Jamie is paying our stay here…”

“And that’s why I keep ordering the most expensive liquors available…”

“I’ve noticed…” I laughed quietly, mentally trying to remember how many bottles we’d drank in total.

_Fifteen?_

_Oh shit…_

“Matt, won’t stop calling and sending his diary ‘why I’m sorry’ letters and Nick, I haven’t told you about Nick, have I?”

“Most certainly not. What’s the timid monkey doing to win my baby back?”

“Oh shy, quiet Nick is being my favourite _by far_. So cunning! You know what they say about peculiarly quiet people…they’re naughtiest…” I rested my head on the crook of his shoulder, planting some sloppy kisses on the hickeys of his neck. My hand threaded its way up to his other shoulder and once there softly pushed the side of his head so as to make his ear come in contact with my smooth lips. “Well, he’s been sending me the most curious books. Pages and pages full of tips on how to be the best gay lover ever. Crazy, huh? It’s a lot of information to process, but you know I slowly take it in. Bit by bit, don’t I?” I ran my fingertips up and down on his very exposed neck, not roughly but still letting my nails scratch the warm flesh from time to time.

“Oh I…I suspected summat, in fact. You’ve acting so…seductively recently.”

“Slutty” I corrected him. “Any complaints?”

“No, no… not at all” He gasped and I pulled away, happy with the sight that promptly greeted me: A blushing, fluttered Miles still with some milky cream dripping off his hand was knelt in front of me. I almost bent in to lick his fingers but I thought it’d be too much of a spectacle for the families around so, instead, I went to sat over on the edge of the pool, feet hanging loosely at first, testing the water temperature with my toes. Satisfied to find it wasn’t freezing cold, I slowly let myself slip off the ground and submerge instead in the crystal clear paradise.

The water felt pleasantly cool against my oily skin. Just like when I was a kid, I opened my eyes underwater and listened with attention how the sounds gradually died away the deeper I went.

_Now this I call peace._

_Life can be so good with the right company._

Speak of the devil, a familiar body soon joined me in the depths of the pool and tickled at my ribs feverishly, evidently wanting to drown me.

“Stop it” I gasped, head breaking through the surface at last, body squirming uncontrollably under his touch. “Back off!” I did my best to push him away.

“There’s only so much teasing you can get away with, you know” He winked at me and rested his back against the green shiny tiles, loose elbows resting on my shoulder as he spoke “So…what’s going to happen when we come back, to England? You’ll rejoin the Monkeys then? Will you move with me? Will you let me show you some real erotic hypnosis? Now that you’re getting tricks out of books, I think it’s only fair I put mine to use. I’ve got plenty that I should reread to remember the scripts and its specials dynamics. It should be fun to watch, you, the very one who gets horny the moment I whisper _‘sleep!_ ’” He moaned in my ear and, with cold slippy hands, pushed my head over his shoulder, slowly, so slowly I could clearly experience the gradual transition to that heavenly relaxed state: palms helplessly slipping off his waist, feet moving no more, view narrowing until all was but a dark cloud.

I was soon brought back to reality though, when a hand squeezed my ass playfully, startling me awake in a split second.

“Hey!” I cried, not sure if I was complaining for being put to sleep or awoken.

“So?” Mi asked, wide caramel eyes glimmering under the omnipresent daylight.

“Yes to all, especially the last one” I flashed him a smirk

“I live for that cute lopsided smile”

“The truth is that smile is there because of you. I’ve never been happier Mi.” I said suddenly serious, for once combing back his short raven hair.

“And wait for the jasmine juice to arrive…the waitress told me it tastes just as good as it smells.”

“What? Jasmine juice!? That can’t be real, can it?”

“It is. The least expensive on the fancy juices menu but I know it’s your all-time-favourite flower so yea... No need to worry, though, I balanced the bill by ordering an ‘saffron delicacy’ the most expensive dish of the country as it’s stated there. Lest Jamie feels we didn’t appreciate his gift, of course.”

“Oh Mi!” I bit my lip, momentarily worried over Jamie’s finances.

“Shhh. ‘No limit’ he said.” Miles reassured me and leaned in to kiss, bite and suck my lips until I was positively out of breath. Pushing myself away from the embrace, I got to inhale only twice before the attack to my open, gasping mouth began again.

And the cycle went on for god knows how long. Hands meandering here and there, teasing, caressing, pulling closer and apart, pinching and scratching, holding and letting go. It was a combustion of feelings and desires.

_We were finally free of restraints and happy to live our love in the broad daylight._

_I was living the sweetest dream I never even knew I had,_

_Before I met him_ ,

_Miles fucking Kane._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE END.
> 
> WOW, I can't believe it's over but it is!! *cries* I had so much fun writing this thank you all for the encouragement and nice comments; this is a lovely fandom indeed!! I really can't get my head around the good reception this story had, I'd never been told before my writing was any good so I was always imagining stuff and not actually scribbling down a thing. Now I can't wait to write my thoughts down the moment I get a funny idea so yeah, you'll probably see more of me soon:) (once my exams are over, that is) 
> 
> *you can find me on tumblr too,  
> i'm calmlikemilex :) *


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